Advent: HOPE

Our little home church is having an advent service Saturday night. Full of learning and Hope and all good things advent-y, I have been asked to share a little of my thoughts on Hope during the day. I always think better as I write, so here I sit, with a laptop that is on it's last bit of battery, Hoping and wondering what Hope truly is.

Usually Advent is all about preparing our hearts to meet Jesus. This is a focus because oftentimes folks do their rare church visits during this Holiday time. But our little house church is made up of people who have already met, and started a relationship with Jesus. So then, what is advent about? Specifically, this week: Hope.

Well Jerri and I were discussing that at our meeting and our focus is on (lets see how well I was listening) the fact that we are citizens of Heaven living on the Earth. Like a Man who is stationed in an alien country longing to be home, we too may long to be in our true home, Heaven. So how does this change how we act in our lives? Does it change how we see the world, if we think of ourselves as visitors on our way Home?

So where does Hope fit into this? Well, the question asked by Jerri was, "Where is your Hope grounded?" If your Hope is grounded in Earthly things, then your hope may be broken, lost, betrayed or disappointed. Humans are flawed, and finite. If you ground your faith in that flawed and finite place, like the man who built his house on sand, you will be let down. But if you ground your Hope to the end place, the eternal, Heaven, you cannot be broken, lost, betrayed or disappointed. Jesus prepared a place for us in Heaven, that is where we are headed, and have been since before we were alive. Something that constant, that solid, that eternal is the perfect place to ground your Hope.

Now I know that I have a lot of questions about Hope before I can even begin to figure out where I have it grounded. What is Hope? Where does Hope come from? How can I know where I have grounded my Hope... I have a lot of hopes centered around my family and marriage and home, does this mean I have grounded my Hope there?

The other side of the issue is the difficulty of Hoping for a place we don't know except for secondhand accounts. Heaven has been described for us, but is this enough to ground our Hope in? I remember when my family was moving into our new house. I was away in Naramata working at Summer Staff (I had spent the majority of the first 7 months of that year there including Winter session) and would be coming home to an alien place. I had been there briefly when my Mother went for a viewing, and seen pictures on the MLS site, but it belonged to someone else then, and pictures just couldn't do this monumental change justice. I will admit to having trouble envisioning what it would be like, let alone create a solid enough image to ground anything. I was very ungrounded during that time.

So How do we ground our Hope in Heaven? How do we know when it's done? I don't know. I would assume that, like in everything we surrender to God, we would feel a lightening, a surer footing in ourselves maybe? But this is what Advent is for. Asking the questions, being on the journey to that Bethlehem place, where knowing the sacrifice Jesus makes for us, gives the manger lasting importance. That He would come, a child in a manger, the King of Heaven, that piece of God humbled to show His love... this is the beginning, this is the place of Hope... Where do you ground your HOPE?

Lest We Forget...

Dear Lord,

May we continue to remember the people who have come before and those continuing the fight for freedom even today. May Your hand guide us that peace may come quickly, and our soldiers return home, safe and whole. May we always remember the price of war, and that the price is too high... May we always remember, for those gone live on in our memories. Amen

Saviour Please

On Saturday my worship/study group got together to discuss the third chapter of the book that we are studying. Earlier that day my Dad had asked me if I had heard a song called "Saviour Please" by Josh Wilson. I didn't know until I heard it, and then I knew that I had been hearing it on the radio. Enough that I knew most of the words... But I had not actually thought about the words and the meaning before. The song then got stuck in my head. :) So Dad and I tried to do the song during the worship time Saturday night... We had not practised at all, neither of us was sure of the bridge and I had hastily put some slides together after dinner. But the song has stayed with me over the last day or so, so I thought I would take a moment to blog a little.

Firstly, here is the song...




The part that has stuck with me the most I think is the line in the chorus that says; "I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me." It is almost as if my heart has turned that line into a mantra. Stuck on repeat, it is a prayer that is continuous.

One of the things we talked about in worship one night, is about how we tend to make God smaller than He is so that we can 'manage' Him. And then, when the times of trouble, fear, or doubt come we forget that God is big enough to hold us, and hold all that comes with us. God is infinite, beyond even the wildest imagination, beyond any words known or unknown. When we limit God, we may feel more comfortable, we may even think we've got it all under control but there will come a time when that control will slip, and we will falter. How can we understand the might, the grace, the love, the compassion, the justice of God if we have made Him only as small as we can take or understand?

God is infinite... If we allow ourselves to bask in that awesome bigness. Allow ourselves to remember that He is bigger than us and anything that might be happening to us, there is a deep peace there. The world is full of many tests, hardships, victories, and hurts. But with God as our grounding place, as our centre, as our partner the moments of trial will be lessend and the times of love and victory sweetened.

I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me. Please continue to save me from myself. Remind me of your greatness, that I may never forget that you are bigger than any trouble I might find. Take my hand, and lead me on the path You have named mine. That I might be the light that points to You, so all may know Your love.


P.S. The book that we are reading together is "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan

P.P.S. I am totally stoked that I embedded my first video on this blog! (Aren't we getting hi-tech!) lol

What do I know? And other moments in life.

So I know it has been a gagillion years since I posted (intentional use of unspecific, made up, fake number) but in my own defense I have been very rarely on my computer since the beginning of September... and when I am on, it is to read the wit and intelligence shared by those I follow, as opposed to trying to replicate the awesome.... lol Anyway, now that the excuse portion of the post is behind us, I will enlighten you to the reason I have felt the call to blog.

Isn't it amazing how God places things in our life just as we need them? Or perhaps they have been present in our lives (or in the wider world) for many years, but you never noticed/were exposed to/thought of it in the same way as to make a difference in the here and now.

For example, when I was in grade 8 I participated in the Musical "Annie Get Your Gun" at school. Until that year I had no idea who or what Annie Oakley was, but in the weeks after starting the musical Annie Oakley seemed to be referenced in everything I saw...

Okay, so maybe that example didn't quite grasp what I mean.... So here is another example:

It was a mild early fall Wednesday night, the darkness was friendly and familiar as I drove the streets of Saanich to take my brother home. The evening had been lovely spent with my family (save my parents who are in Jamaica to celebrate their 30th anniversary) eating pizza and ice cream. Playing video games and being on the computer (a fairly common family pass time). My brother and I have a very interesting conversation concerning toy guns and whether children should be allowed to play with them. But then, as I drove back home in the quiet of the night, with only the radio and the street lights to keep me company (there may have been other motorists...lol) what should play on the radio but this song. It's "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road. As soon as it began to play, it was as if the world became as small as my car, and I heard my heart speaking the words as she sang them. That the song played at that moment, when I had nothing to distract from hearing it, in the darkness and quiet of the night when I feel the most 'receptive', I believe, is no cosmic coincidence. The Lord works quietly around and in our lives, and waits for a time when our hearts are the most receptive, to speak His love, to speak His plans, and to speak His word.

Now I am sure you are wondering what He spoke to me...

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

He said, "I see your doubts. I see into your very depths and know that you feel as if you know nothing at all."

I guess I thought that I had figured You out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

He said, "I see your gifts, I gave them to you. I see the possibilities and hope you offer to the world even when you do not. I am endlessly patient and will keep whispering my words until you hear."

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

He said, "You don't need to know it all. I know it all. And I will speak through you, love through you, hope and have faith through you. Open your heart to me and hear."

There is a part of me that fears God. Okay, maybe not God, but the deep change He is working in me even now. Even as I try to discover my calling I turn and run from God. The change he is working in me is one on the molecular level. I will be changed deeply, I can see glimpses even now. And my fear tells me to turn away. My fear tells me that life is easier/better/more fun without God, and yet I feel the calling keenly. Something is moving. I am afraid to look closely to find out what it is.

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

In the grand scheme of things I am but one grain of sand. But in God's Grand Scheme I have a more defined role. I pray I have the courage to find out what it is.

Well, Malcolm is here and so signals bedtime. Good night world, may you also have the courage to open our heart and hear the whispers in your heart. (They are probably important.)

Rambling along... join me?

I cannot say exactly the point of this blog update if only for for updates sake. I have been pretty consistent lately (actually made two posts within 2 weeks of each other!) and so wanted to continue the trend. So this post has no particular destination or direction... (this means trouble, I can tell...)

I have to admit that now, with the prospect of contributing to the income of this little twosome of a family come September, I am becoming much more settled in the stay-at-home-ness that is my life. It might help that I spent the majority of Sunday catching up on neglected laundry, and seem to actually be getting some definable chores accomplished. My living room area is now a lovely shade of 'Wild Blue Yonder' while the couple (nine-ish) blue marks on the ceiling bother me minimally. My kitchen (though while not at the moment) is clean and actually nice looking for the most part... Malcolm did make pie though today and I have yet to clean that up. (P.S. the pie is VERY yummy *be jealous* lol) These may seem like little non-monumental things, but for anyone that knows me you will recognize the amazing leap that is for this devout clutter-butt. There is definitely many more chores that need to be seen to (that I am ignoring by being on the computer...) but as my Mother told me recently, I have to be proud of all of these little achievements. And so I share these little things with you!

I was mentioning in my last post that I was feeling nervous and unsure about the calling God had for me, and whether I would be able to achieve this plan. We discussed about how if you allow yourself to offer every act of what you do in your life to God as a vessel for Him to work through you, then it becomes less about what the Big Awesome Scary God Plan is and more about the spirit in which you live your life. I was reading one of the days in my devotional the other day and it spoke about prayer... about how it can be frustrating if you treat prayer as the waiting for an answer from God... like waiting for your friend to answer a question. God does not always work in your life in obvious and outright ways. Sometimes the way the God works through you, is only apparent in hindsight. For example:

For a time after I had returned from Disneyland with my husband, and life returned to the 'daily grind' there was this insistent voice in my head urging me to find work... any employ at all really. The field of Dental Reception seemed to be out of my reach and honestly not the right fit... so while applying for those I turned to the retail industry to soften my fall. I applied many places (from my home computer, no hitting the pavement for this lazy-butt) and never received a reply. The most I got was one company getting hold of me to let me know that they could not actually read the file I sent with my resume. After some converting on my part, and them kindly letting me know they could open it, the front again became silent. Then during a casual conversation, the idea to take over the daycare for my Goddaughter took root. After researching this and making sure that I was able to do this and have my girlfriend still receive her subsidy, as well as not needing to jump through a thousand hoops to get some kind of license, the idea lay fallow for two weeks. Then it became a actually tangible reality... these next few weeks were spent in preparation of having a little one here, and of deciding if this was part of the path I had agreed to follow as a Christ follower.

Then a few days ago I received a phone call from the same lady at the company who asked for my resume in a different format. Apparently my resume had gone 'somewhere' for two months and just recently came across her desk. She called it an impressive resume, and that they would like to set up a meeting with me if I was still interested, etc. So feeling totally flattered I had to reply that I was, unfortunately unavailable. The thing is that if my resume had not gone to that 'somewhere' that it did, and they had ended up offering me a job at that point 2 months ago I would probably have taken it. And then this amazing opportunity of looking after, building a relationship with and being a presence of Christ for Danika would have possibly never come along! And honestly, I think that I would have been miserable in 3 months tops had I returned to retail. So there God was, quietly steering me away from something that was not in His plan for me.

So I am excited to be planning and learning and being a leader again. I am part of a small home Christ community that has much potential and much wonderful spirit. I will soon be spending copious amounts of time with my hellion of a Goddaughter and look forward to the adventures we will have. I also look forward to the opportunity to live up to my mantle of Godmother and be a presence of Christ in her life (and maybe that of her mother's along the way...)

And on another note entirely.... The cast of 'The Guild' has a music video that came out on iTunes today... it has also been posted to their YouTube channel... I think you all should watch it (especially if you are gamers, know gamers, or [in my case] are married to a gamer. Also if you like Felicia Day... you *might* like this... lol) So go here to see the video... and check out the first two seasons of 'The Guild' while you are there!

not bad for a ramble post... If I do say so myself!

i *less than three* you

R.

Time is sliding by...

I have no idea where the time has gone. It would seem that it has been only days since the summer began and yet here I sit staring at the fast approaching month of September. Since I became a bum that lives off my husband time seems to run together. There is no distinct distinction between days... I put off things "until tomorrow" and the next thing I know a week has passed and nothing has been resolved.

I am excited to say that I have finished the painting in my living room and have begun the fun that is rearranging furniture into the most usable configuration. I am quite happy with the color blue we chose and have to say that the mistakes don't really bother me at all. If they bother Malcolm, he has said nothing (shock) and probably knows that whatever he does point out will be added to His 'to do' rather than mine. lol

Perhaps I should mention, for those who don't know, that September is such a significant marker for me because that is when I will begin to look after my Goddaughter full-time. I am so excited about the opportunity to both create a close relationship with the lovely and rambunctious not-quite-two-year-old, and to have more of a chance to actually fulfill my role as GODmother and show her the wonders of a relationship with Jesus. I am honestly a little nervous under my excitement. I have no idea what I am doing. I have worked with and looked after children of most ages, but never for such a concentrated amount of time, and never without a theme or schedule already planned out for them. We have been busy around my place, cleaning (since I am not know for my tidiness) and child proofing as well as buying some great 'equipment'. A toddler bed for naps, a little tykes clubhouse/swing set for the yard, little table and chair set, sand box, baby monitor for nap times, toddler utensils and sippy cups, sidewalk chalk and some exciting ideas for crafts already. I think she will be the youngest child I have ever worked with and so I am not sure what kind of activities to plan. Mostly I am quite happily going by the seat of my pants (that's when I do my best work anyways.)

But on that front it is mostly preparation and learning as we go... So it is the other front of the storm that has me a little unsettled. I have been going weekly to talk with a pastor friend and she has been helping me to put words and intent to this God-gift in me. We have been recently talking about God showing me the big-picture plan He has for me, so that all my little baby steps can, at least in some way, be true to that goal. We have also been talking about what it means to surrender to God's plan and move forward with His purpose. Now, I have posted the little thingy I wrote about Surrender.... It is one thing to write something and to understand it in my head, and quite another to have it become part of my heart habits. There is definitely a fear in me that is making it hard to even acknowledge the questions in any tangible way. I know that part of that fear is the unknown of what this big-picture will be... What if I discover that I am simply unable, or not ready to achieve this plan that God has for me? Maybe the biggest is the idea that I will have to do even more "letting go of the tree" than I can do... I am a very...*coughhermitcough* ... Introverted person. Part of me wishes to be a social and effervescent personality but when I try (even with people I have know forever, or for whom I have a passionate awe and love for) I feel that hermit calling for me to return to the safety of my house, my kittens, my family and my quiet existence. There are so many times in my past when an opportunity to connect with people and to create new relationships has been hindered by the... what do I call it.... laziness? shyness? narcissism? Will this become a hindrance to my relationship with God? Is it wanting to meet Him on my terms? Is it being willing to risk only a part so to make for a quick retreat? Maybe it's the total lack of understanding that I have for this gift I am told I have. I don't see it. Maybe I don't want to see it.

So as always, I have to continually challenge myself to avoid retreating... News flash: This week is not going to be considered a banner week... I have retreated so far inside myself that I have completely avoided the topic even with myself. I have done nothing to address these fears or questions... And I have that sick/scared feeling when I think about my next meeting. Not because of what might be asked, but because of the answers that my pride fears will arise...

And so this lighthearted, catch up blog has once again turned into something else entirely. There must be something about sitting at a keyboard... Or it could be that the barriers are weak, it being 2:40 am... lol

So goodnight fair world, sleep well and may the dawn bring new light and strong currents of love.

i *less than three* you

R.

"Surrender"

On Saturday, a few folk got together in a friends house for some barbeque and some fellowship. I was asked to share and so spent some time a wrote this. For those who were there on Saturday, the first part you have heard as it is what I read that night. But be sure to stay tuned for the second part, which I didn't read out that night and would like to share. I welcome any comment and invite anyone who would like to, to share their story or wonderings about surrender. (This is dated July 31, 2009 and so this is the day I refer to in the writing.)

“Surrender”

There is something both amazingly peaceful and supremely frightening about that word. Part of me thinks that giving up responsibility would be amazing. How much time in the day do I use up just making choices and decisions? How wonderful would it be to give that up? Part of me thinks that giving over control is the most horrifying thing a person could ever do. How many times have our role models or heroes shouted, “Never give up! Never Surrender!”? There is a fear of surrendering because surrendering to another, being vulnerable to someone else opens us up to the possibility of being hurt or taken advantage of.

Surrendering to God’s control is much more peaceful and just as frightening, but for different reasons. The fear comes from a place that tells us we are not worthy. We fear completely opening ourselves to God in case He hadn’t noticed before this secret inadequacy of character and drive we have so carefully buried deep inside. We have been hiding from ourselves the places of brokenness and to lay them open before God means that we must also confront them, and there is the real fear. Saying we don’t feel a certain way anymore, or won’t be a certain way anymore has no power unless we ask for God’s help. And I don’t mean in the way of surrendering every responsibility and decision to God. God won’t start making your choices for you after you have surrendered the reins of your life to him. Surrendering your whole self to God allows for you to be guided in the path He has set out for you. The choices (to no longer surrender, to ignore His guidance, or to follow His will) are still ours to make. God desires for us, His children, to reach the full potential and to use the gifts that he has given us to be lights of Christ in the world. And while we cannot accomplish that on our own, we need God’s help, so too does God need us to open ourselves completely to Him for the goal to be attained. The Peace comes from the relationship with Jesus, the peace comes from the knowledge that we are God’s children, loved and cared for completely. Enveloped in His caring once we surrender all that we are into His hands.

But HOW? I hear those words echo as I write. Is it only my heart that calls out these words, do others feel the same? How do I overcome my fear and trepidation and surrender wholly and completely to God? Where do I even begin?

Begin where everything begins. A prayer. Pray, wonder, ask for God’s help, then remember. Remember the things that you forgot you knew... That there is no inadequacy of character or drive, there is no brokenness that is too much for the cross to bear. For that is where surrender begins. With the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross so that we might give over our burdens and brokenness, and live open and surrendered to the love and control of God. I don’t mean that we have to die, literally. But that we must die to the life we are living now, die to the brokenness that holds us separate from God and rise in surrender to His great Majesty and love. (We do not live to ourselves, and we do not die to ourselves. If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. For to this end Christ died and lived again, so that he might be Lord of both the dead and the living. Romans 14: 7-9) It is not what I have done, it is not what I will do that makes me worthy. But simply that I am Yours and you have made me in your image.

And so we pray,

Dearest Creator,

You have created us all with great things in mind. You have given us many gifts and much of yourself so that we might live a meaningful life. But we find it hard to surrender our lives to you. We fear the vulnerability and brokenness in our hearts, and so we fear surrendering to you. But in your immense wisdom you have shown us the way to you. You sent Jesus to us, so that He might be a guide for us. So now we need only courage and strength. Courage to open ourselves to you, knowing we will confront our brokenness, and the strength to lay it at the foot of the cross so we might rise again as messengers of your love to this world. Help us to keep Jesus and His sacrifice in our hearts, to keep that knowledge and guide with us every day. Help us to know that this is a journey, not a destination to see and forget. We are a new creation, we leave the old behind, the brokenness, the fear, and we embrace You, surrender to Your will knowing you will care and guide with infinite love.

This next part is the part I did not share on Saturday:

I speak of this all as if it wasn’t an epiphany that struck me only today, a remembering of something my soul already knew, but that my mind had yet to understand. But to be honest I haven’t quite reached that place of surrender. The fear, the vulnerability and brokenness still grip me as I wrestle with imagined and well rooted inadequacies. Like Jeremiah, when the Lord called on him to begin his work as a prophet I say; “Truly I do not know how to speak, for I am only a girl.” But the Lord created me. He knew every one of my days before I was born, and he has bestowed his gifts upon me. As it says in the Psalm, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made”, and His works are wonderful. I have to remember to lay my fears at the foot of the cross, I have to remember that even though it is scary, in the end there is nothing but peace in surrendering. I know the fear that I have comes from a fear of failing, a fear that I will not be able to accomplish the task that God will ask of me. I know this, and yet I fear letting these go just as much as keeping them. They have become so much a part of who I am, who will I be if I lay them down? Who am I becoming as I walk this path? Only God has the answers, and I must open myself to them. Would you pray with me?

Loving God,

Everything you have made is glorious. I am one of those creations. Hold me close, Lord. I open my heart and life to your direction. Whisper your orders into my heart, and help me find the strength to listen well. I lay at the cross my fears. Fear of being laughed at, fear of missteps, fear of losing, fear of not achieving that which you have planned for me, fear of the unknown and fear that in the end I will fail and will be a disappointment. Take these from me, and pour into me your spirit. Amen.

In the silence of the night...

Have you ever wondered how it is you could be so lucky to have found the person in whom all of your love is personified, or how amazing it is that they seem to think the same of you?

My husband is an awesomely wonderful person. I find in him my best friend as well as the man who will be an amazing father. I find in him the one who not only puts up with my idiosyncrasies but loves me for them. I find in him a compassionate, intelligent, funny and sweet companion, strong and silent, with his own little quirks for which I tease him to no end but which are also a few of the infinite reasons I love him.

There are moments or days when one or two of those quirks blind me to the fact that they really are cute... Nights when I eat dinner alone because he is playing WOW, times in the car when I lose my conversation partner because he has fallen asleep... But then, I am sure that he has those same moments with me... (For taking the teasing a little too far, for being crabby, or for thinking that the silence is him ignoring me as opposed to my patient, thoughtful husband taking his time to answer...) But then at the end of the day we go to bed. The lights are turned off a hug and a kiss (and he falls asleep in minutes.. lol) and as I lay in the dark, waiting for sleep to take me into it's restful waves, I listen to the light (or sometimes not so light) breathing next to me and I feel like the Grinch might have as his heart expanded 10 times it's size. I can't believe ever loving him more... and yet it seems that at the end of every day I do.

As with every couple (every person) we will have our off days. We will have our disagreements and petty grievances... but I know that at the end of that day, when we head off to bed, there will be hugs and kisses and then the quiet breathing in the dark.

I do not know what I did in my life that warranted God gracing me with the love of this man, but I am forever grateful for it. And I guess I will be spending the rest of my life (may it be long, God willing) trying to be worthy of it. I relish the possibilities, the every days, and the love that will continue between us until the end.

• But Ruth said, "Do not press me to leave you or to turn back from following you! Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God.

• Where you die, I will die? there will I be buried. May the Lord do thus and so to me, and more as well, if even death parts me from you!"

-Ruth 1: 16-17 New Revised Standard

Following that path... you know, that one.

As I have mentioned in the past, I was very involved in the United Church of Canada for a couple of years.  I mean, I grew up in a UC congregation... I did my time in the Children's and Adult Choirs as well as being Sunday school teacher/coordinator over the years since I was 15.  I even began to work as the visual/sound tech person, but starting in January of  2005 I began to learn and grow more in my faith through UCC courses and places.  I took part in a year-long Certificate Program that was supported by the UCC and Naramata Centre to help give Youth Leaders a base in faith and leadership to help them with their Youth Groups.  Soon After that was done, (the same weekend actually..) I took part in a community living program in January 2006 held by the Naramata Centre, which was more a self-learning... but there was a faith-base due to where we were living.  Then that summer of 2006 I was on staff at Naramata Centre as a youth and children staff member.  When I returned to my little UCC congregation I began to help plan the theme and music of the church services, as well as being a member of the "governing" body and continuing tech support as well as trying to start a Youth Group (no go there....)  This continued until the beginning of 2008 when my impending marriage and schooling and to be honest, a feeling of hurt and confusion made me rethink my involvement in the UCC.

So now that you have a bit of my church-life resume... 

After returning home from Summer Staff at Naramata, my minister who I worked closely with believed that I had the gift to work in the church.  And while I enjoyed the job I had at the church and enjoyed the learning and growing I was doing there was a part of me that thought she was a little bit nutty. (But in a totally lovable way ;P )  And so with life continuing to simply move forward with no regard to my feelings of insecurity and fear, I went to school.

I have finished my course in Dental Office Reception, I was on the Dean's Honor roll both terms, and actually really enjoyed learning new things.  The reason for beginning school was to give me the tools to have a "stable" and "grown up" career so that my husband and I could start a family within the next few years.  But even before I finished the course, I admit to feeling a bit like this was not actually the job for me.  Don't get me wrong, I could do the job, and be quite good at it I think... but there was something missing...

I have been feeling bad lately for not having a job 3 months after graduating and returning from our anniversary trip to Disneyland....  Part of me is angry that I won't even be given a chance to show my ability to do the job, while part of me takes this as a sign that I am not meant to continue in that field... but what?

My mother and I have monthly lunches with our minister, who happens to have become a very good friend over the years, and she has talked to me (just planting seeds) about my "gift" of speaking the word... of my "gift" of leadership in worship...  And while it brings to mind conversations we had in those months after Naramata, something has changed in my heart to make it also different.  The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" may be in effect or perhaps the changes over the last year and the growing up I might have done in that time have changed my outlook.  You see, I always thought that only other people get to work at a job that is also what they are passionate about.  I figured that whatever involvement in the church, or in any faith community I would have would be in spare time while I worked a "regular" job.

But this friend and I have been talking about the possibility that I am good at/passionate about worship leadership and faith because that is what God is calling me to do.  So I am starting to think a little differently... I don't know what this looks like as a big picture, or have any idea what I am doing... and while that scares the crap out of me... I am also totally excited.  There is a rightness in this that is frightening.  Over the last months I have been feeling like an unproductive, and useless individual, with no idea what it is that I should/would/could or want to be doing.  But in the last week, I have been feeling less like that, and more like there is a bigger purpose.  That I just need to surrender the fear and plans and wonderings to God and He will reveal to me what His work for me is.  I have never been this purposeful in my faith... it has been something that was important, but also a side bet.  I prayed and listened for God... but only when it suited my plan, my time, my stuff.  So I feel a little out of my league... while at the same time, trust that God will give me the strength and the answers I am meant to have.  This may not be what I had in mind even one year ago... but there is a rightness to it all that tells me it has been what God had in mind the whole time.  He was just waiting for me to listen up.

So here I am, listening.  Speak to me Lord.  Let me know what it is you plan for me.  Or, at least show me the next step, so I might fulfill this plan you have for me.  And give me the strength and the courage to make it through.

So while I don't really know what I am doing, and there is residual guilt for not contributing financially to my little household, I still feel like I am headed in the right direction.  The work I have to do now, is to spend purposeful time with God.  Open my heart and mind to every possibility, and keep my ears and eyes open.  While thanking God everyday for the support of my Husband, my Family, and my good friend who helps me to learn what possibilities there are.  And to Jesus, who walks every day with me as I learn more about my place in this faith journey.

Fighting Temptation....

Over the last few weeks, in order to spend time as a resting place for my new kitties, I have been spending a significant time on my couch channel surfing.  Mostly I have been finding movies to watch... and yesterday was no different.  My sister was on the couch with me and we stumbled upon the movie "The Fighting Temptations".  While the story line is... well predictable... the music and singing talent in the movie more than makes up for it.  I had a great time watching it and listening to the songs.

One of the songs (not the only one I will say...) that gave me chills is called, "He still loves me".  (You can watch the video from the movie here.) And here are the lyrics...

[Eddie Levert]
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Na, Na, Na
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Dun, Na
(Come On)
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Na, Na, Na
(Heyyyyy)
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Dun, Na

[Walter Williams]
Took me a while, but i'm finally here
So just wanna testify, make it crystal clear
(Take Ya Time)
See I've been picked out, to be picked on
Talked about out my friend's mouth
I've been beat down, til' he turned my life around
(Turned my life around)

[Chorus: Walter Williams]
Seems like I always fall short of being worthy
Cuz I ain't good enough, but he still loves me (Yeah)
I ain't no superstar, spotlight ain't shinin' on me (No, No, No, No, No)
Cuz I ain't good enough,(no) but he still loves me
(Loves Me!)

[Beyonce]
I used to, wake up somedays, and wished I had stayed asleep
Cuz I went to bed on top of the world, today the world's on top of me
Now everybody's got opinions (They Share)
They ain't been in my position (They Don't Care)
And it breaks my heart when I hear 
what they have to say about me
(What they say about you)

[Chorus: All]
seems like I always fall short (Fallin short)
of bein worthy (Lord I aint worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough (no no)
but he still loves me (But you still love me Lord)
I aint no superstar ( I aint no superstar, I wanne be for you)
I wanna be for you
The spotlight aint shinin on me 
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me ( But he still loves me, me, me, me, me)


I'm not perfect (I'm not perfect no, no ,no)
Yes I do wrong (Yes I do wrong)
I'm trying my best (Trying my best)
But It aint good enough (Just ain't good enough)
Shunned by the world (I'm shunned by the world, world, world, world)
If I don't succeed (If I dont succeed-cee-cee-ceed)
Cuz I aint good enough (I ain't good enough)
But he still loves me (I aint good enough)
Lord i aint worthy

[Bridge: Angie Stone, Beyonce, Choir]
If you ain't worth just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand
That we are all so blessed to be loved....loved
Stand for him and fall for anything
Cuz through his eyes we all look the same
What will we do, without blame

[Chorus: All]
feels like we always fallin' short
of being worthy (We are not worthy, no)
Cuz I ain't good enough,(no) but he still loves me (I ain't good enough, I ain't good enough)
I ain't no superstar,(I ain't no superstar)
the spotlight ain't shinin' on me (But I wanna be for you Lord)
Cuz I ain't good enough, but he still loves me (no, but u still love me, me, me)

I'm not perfect (I'm not perfect, no, no, no)
Yes I do wrong (Yes I do wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong)
I'm trying my best (Trying my best)
But It aint good enough (I ain't good enough) (Oh No!)
Shunned by the world (Shunned by the world, world, world, world)
If I don't succeed (If I dont succeed,cee-cee-ceed)
Cuz I aint good enough (I ain't good enough)
But he still loves me (Just ain't good enough, would y'all sing with me)

I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong (If you understand me sing with me)
I'm trying my best
But It aint good enough (But the Lord is so good to me)
Shunned by the world (if you shunned by the world, world, world )
If I don't succeed (Shunned by the world)
Cuz I aint good enough (I ain't good enough)
But he still loves me (But the Lord still loves me)

No I ain't good enough (No, No, No, No)
But he still loves me (Raise your hands if you understand)
No I ain't good enough (How he blesses you, cuz he blessed me too)
But he still loves me (Even though I ain't worthy)
No I aint good enough (You ain't worthy, he's there for you)
But he stil loves me (No matter what I do)
No I aint good enough (I ain't good enooooooooough)
But he stil loves.....me (But the Lord still loves...me)

There is something about gospel.... I can never really explain what it is...

God has a plan for us... A path that leads us to be our best selves, the self that uses our god-given gifts to shine the light of Christ in the world, and to praise our God.  That path is not a black and white type of path where when you are lost or take a wrong turn, there is no getting back on track.  This path is paved with love and sacrifice... Jesus' death on the cross ensures that no matter where we end up on our path, we have only to turn to Jesus, and He will guide us back to where we belong.  There is something freeing about the knowledge that even though we mess up and even though we don't quite make the best choices, or act in the best way, we are still loved, and we still have that opportunity to become our best selves.  Become the selves that God has envisioned and equipped us to be.

Some lessons take a while to learn... so I suggest you put this song on repeat. *grin*  Then take a deep breath.... and sing along at the top of your lungs.  Trust me.  It'll do your soul good. (And God loves to be serenaded.)

Good night.  God bless.

xoxo

Renée.

Sunday Morning (afternoon... lol) Thoughts

My family and I have not been attending church lately because of the feeling that something doesn't quite fit with us at the church we had been attending.  The joke is that it's my job to write a sermon for Sunday so that we don't miss anything by not going to church.  And since my sister has been reminding me that is has been awhile since I updated, I decided to do just that. :) 

There is a song that plays on the christian radio that makes me turn it up loud and belt it out. (well the chorus anyway, I'm not 100% on the lyrics of the verse... lol)  Mostly I do this because I think it's fun to sing the chorus, but also I like the words.  But every time I do this, without fail, by the second time the chorus comes around I have goosebumps and and I tear up a little.  I thought that maybe this deserved a little digging.  So here are the lyrics of the chorus so we can all be on the same page:

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

There is something about belting out these words that is so neat.  But what is it that touches me to the point of tears?  Or maybe the question what part of me is touched as to move me to tears? 

There have been times in the last little while that I was beginning to wonder where my faith stood.  How does the world know that I am a follower of Christ.  In what way am I being a beacon of his light in the world?  I don't really have answers to that yet.  But this song I think touches the part of me that lives in that place of faith.  I have always been firmly connected in my faith to the act of enormous love that Jesus, our Saviour, performed for us.  There is something about having someone love you so much that they would die in order to allow you to live and be forgiven.  Because of my Saviour, I am forgiven for the mistakes and sins I have.  But it is more than that.  Before I knew my saviour, there was a dimness to the world.  I don't know how to describe it past that.  My heart hurt from the petty things people did, for the fact that we cannot trust that folks are truthful, the world was colored by these things and I could not see the light.  But since truly acknowledging the place that Jesus occupies in my heart, and in my soul, there is a brightness I had missed.  The path on the journey of faith is not always straightforward.  Not because Jesus doesn't give us good directions, but because sometimes we forget.  We forget that we are his light, and allow our hurt and confusion tint our actions.  We forget that we need only to ask, and Jesus is there.  My Savior is eternal.  My Saviour is with me always.  Giving me a tether to my faith, providing a solid rock on which to weather any storms.  I may not always act like the light to world I wish to be.  But the daily reminder of what My Saviour did for me helps to keep on the path.  

So maybe you don't know what I mean.  Maybe you think I'm a little silly to believe in something that cannot be "seen" or "felt".  But since My Savior entered my heart, I see and feel every day Him working in the world.  

I'm not sure if any of this is what it should be.  But it is what it is.  Enjoy.

My Savior My God :
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior 

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior 

Chorus (2x's) 
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x's) 

(Instrumental)

Chorus: (2x's)

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior loves, My Savior lives 

To see a video of the song, go here.

I will boast... cause I'm cool, y'a know.

My Dad bought a new CD from the Christian Book and Music store and he is always kind enough to let me have a listen, there were a few songs that I had not heard before and one of them really got me thinking.  It's called "I Will Boast" and on the CD it is performed by Phillips, Craig and Dean but while looking up the lyrics, I found that it was by Paul Baloche...  Anyway, first here are the lyrics:

I will boast

Paul Baloche

(click here for a video of the song)

Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom
Or the strong man boast in his strength
Let not the rich man boast in his riches
But let the hum- ble come and give thanks
To the One who made us, the One who saved us

CHORUS
I will boast in the Lord my God
I will boast in the One Who's worthy
I will boast in the Lord my God
I will boast in the One Who's worthy, He's wor- thy

Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom
Or the strong man boast in his strength
Let not the rich man boast in his rich- es
But let the hum- ble come and give thanks
To the One who made us, the One who saved us

CHORUS
I will boast in the Lord my God
I will boast in the One Who's worthy
I will boast in the Lord my God
(1st ending)
I will boast in the One Who's worthy
(Repeat Chorus)
(2nd ending)
I will boast in the One Who's worthy, He's worthy

INSTRUMENTAL

BRIDGE

I will make my boast in Christ alone
I will make my boast in Christ alone
(Repeat twice)

CHORUS
I will boast in the Lord my God
I will boast in the One Who's worthy
I will boast in the Lord my God
(1st & 2nd ending)
I will boast in the One Who's worthy
(Repeat Chorus)
(3rd ending)
I will boast in the One Who's worthy, He's worthy
He's wor- thy

I started to write this whole big thing about boasting, and acknowledging God, and the spirit in which we do things... It was at least 3 or 4 paragraphs when I realized... That was not really what God wanted me to say.  It felt wrong somehow... It wasn't flowing...  And then I realized, I really only have to say one thing.

Thank You Jesus.

From Jesus' sacrifice for us on the cross, to God bestowing on us the gifts we require I have been fully and wholly blessed.  My life is a journey with all the ups and downs, but I will say it has been mostly ups.  I have been gifted with a loving family, a fantastic husband, a few good friends, a lot of awesome people, and a selection of talents and gifts to get me through.  All of this I would not have but for Jesus.  All of this I would not appreciate as wholly if not for God.  On my journey of faith I have learned how amazing each day is.  That the Lord works in ways so innocuous we hardly notice His direction.  And that I do not praise Him near enough for all I have been given.

So I will be one of the humble.  I will come and give thanks to the one who made me, who saved me, the one who is worthy of all thanks and praise.  I will boast not of myself alone, but of myself as a vessel of  the One God.  I will boast of Christ.  I do not do this by standing on a rooftop and screaming my faith to those below.  I do this by living each day as a follower of Christ.  I do this by struggling to be my best self and centering my life in faith.  I do this by thanking God  for the gifts I have been given, and using them for His glory.

I do not use the word struggle without cause, for I am still early on this journey of faith, and it is a struggle at times to keep Christ at my center.  But it is by this struggle that we move forward on our journey.  So I listen to songs like "I Will Boast"  that keep me thinking and keep me focused.  That remind me.

Thank You Jesus.

Good night.

P.S. Check out my Dad's blogs: Chris' Musings and Christian Life and Work he's pretty cool and you can check out the song he's posted. :)

Today I found myself thinking about labels...  I can't really put my finger on what started this train of thought, but you lucky people get to listen into it! (or read, for those more literally minded...) lol

As a people we are obsessed with labels.  Perhaps it is the organizational application that is the draw... There is something to be said for "Everything having a place, and everything in it's place."  Or maybe it's the feeling that we will understand someone better if we have them neatly labeled and categorized.

As individuals, I believe there is a distinct dichotomy in how we feel about them.  On one side, our individuality and uniqueness is important to us making labels the "enemy" to be argued and denied.  On the other side, unlike magnets where opposites attract, as social creatures we are drawn to people with whom we have a connection. Or we look for something in common from which a connection can be made.  In this case labels help us to quickly choose those people with whom to spend time.

I think where most people find the fear of labels is in that first point of individuals.  With so many people around us, there is a deep seeded need to be different, to feel unique.  The thought that our uniqueness can be stolen from us by one little word is terrifying.  Goth, emo, straight, gay, lesbian, white, black, blonde, cute, and the list goes on... these labels are attempts to categorize... but I think that it isn't the label itself that holds the fear... It's when we attach the word 'only'.

"Oh him? He's only a goth...."

"What do you expect, she's only a blonde"

The fear is that that word 'only' suddenly makes it seem as if whatever you are... some choice you have made, or something you can't change (genes...)... is not good enough.  There is a demoralizing tone to someone saying "only".  The feeling is of being flick off a sleeve like lint.  Not worthy of consideration, of being given the chance to show your fully rounded personality.  A personality that is made up of many things, many facets.  We are not just one thing, we are complicated and always growing and learning and becoming 'more' than what we were...

Which is why I don't understand the phrase, "Only Human."  The idea is to say that humans are basically flawed, and therefore it is no surprise if something goes wrong.  But isn't that just as bad as saying that people who are blonde are not intelligent?  Now I do understand that as a race we are indeed not perfect.  Mistakes are made.  But is this because as Humans we are basically and irreversibly unable to be better? I believe that we are learning, and that as a race, as a world, we are still needing to grow up a little.  God made us in His image.  We aren't perfect, but not because we don't have the ability to be so... It's because we are still learning.  Just as we give second chances to children who make mistakes, so must we do with our whole race.  Understand that we are still learning to follow Christ and have to work at it everyday.  Understand that while we may not be perfect, Human means: hope, possibilities, striving for excellence, learning, bettering ourselves and becoming 'more'.

I'm sure you are familiar with the expression; "Labels are for tin cans, not for people."  I think labels become a bad thing when they are used to limit a person.  I think labels are bad when they are used to demoralize or degrade someone.  I think labels are bad when they are used to make stereotypical assumptions about an individual or group...

But I will admit to being excited about labels with positive connotations... Here are the ones that are most important to me:  Wife, Daughter, Sister, Christ follower, Seeker.

I am more than any single one of those, and still more than all of them together...  As I am sure anyone can say.  But what is most important is to remember that I am a loved, cherished, unique child of God.  And so I sign off with two things...

1. Please, if any of this makes sense, doesn't make sense, or you have anything to add... do!

2. This is a snippet of the chorus of a song by David Crowder Band... check it out

You make everything glorious

And I am Yours
What does that make me?

God bless and goodnight!

Well so much for that idea

I meant to keep up the good work with 4 and 5 blogs in as many days... But then life decided to be interesting and give me no time to write.  I decided to spend time with my husband and family instead... I hope you will forgive me. lol

The fact that I have not had time to write does not mean that I have not thought about it.  In fact it seems that there are moments in the day when what I am experiencing sparks an idea for a post and I begin to compose in my head.  This happened just the other day when exiting Wal-Mart with my Mom.  It had begun to rain, no hard, but enough to begin to soak the ground.  Do you know that scent that comes when pavement is wet and the world is heavy with rain?  There is something about that smell that is both intoxicating and gross.  I love it and dislike it all at once, creating a confusion I cannot solve.  It seems to me that maybe it is merely the scent of rain that I find so intoxicating and the smell of wet pavement is what turns me off, but that rings false in my mind.  Maybe it is the grease and more that is on the pavement that lends to the wrong part of the smell.  But anyway, I was brought back to a time at Winter Session when in the dead of night, through the pouring rain my friend Nicole and I went for a walk.  To escape tension in the "house" and to talk through where we found ourselves in it.  One of the things I adore about Naramata is that at night it is dark.  There is no need for street lamps as everything is closed and so the street lamps are few.  It is a quiet and peaceful type of darkness, with the lake nearby and the orchards and village all around.  And so, in the quiet, peaceful, rainy dark, we walked and talked and got soaking wet.  It was a good time.  I used to love it when it rained at our place in View Royal.  The room that I shared with my sister until my brother moved out looked out over the garage roof.  The rain made a wonderful sound as it hit the roof.  I used to climb out the window and sit on the window sill smelling, and listening and drinking in the moment.  (That is until Mom put a screen over the window...lol)  Sometimes I wold sneak downstairs and out the front door to sit.  But without fail you would find my window open.  Sometimes even in the dead of winter, at least for a little while.  If there is one thing I miss now that I  live on the main floor of a two storey home, it's the sound of the rain against the roof, and my perch on the sill overlooking the quiet complex.

Well I have to run, gotta drive my sis to class.

Be well.

Trying for three in a row!

I was so excited that I had been actually posting on this blog that I wanted to keep it up...  Of course, even a desire to post doesn't assure that there is a topic to post about. ;)

I have used songs as inspiration and grounding for my faith for many years.  There is something about music that allows me to really go deep and (to use an expression from a friend) dip my toes in that river of grace.  Maybe this is not unique or interesting at all, but it is definitely something that allows me to go deeper and find that quiet place of faith inside me.  So that is probably why I use song lyrics in almost all of my sermons or posts about faith.  

I like to think that music is a way of connecting with each other as well as with the Holy.  Something about singing a song together, as one voice, can really touch the heart and open a group to the flow of the spirit.  There are some songs that I could probably sing over and over, continuously, until all that I really notice is God working in my heart.  The song I bring to your attention today is one such song.  It allows the brain to switch into neutral and the heart to take over.

The Taize folks in France understand the importance of that and their songs are usually no more than 4/5 lines sung over and over, allowing for reaching a place of deep connection with the Spirit.  Often part of the energy and connection comes from creating harmonies and starting rounds, lifting your voice to praise and allowing your heart to open for worship.

Anyway, the song that I hold in my heart tonight is called Breathe by Michael W. Smith (though many have recorded it) and if you are able maybe head over to iTunes and listen to it on repeat later tonight.  While you're on iTunes, check out Let It Rain which is also wonderful to sing over and over again.  Here are the lyrics to Breathe

Breathe

-Michael W. Smith

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I I'm desperate for you
And I I'm I'm lost without you

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me

And I'm, I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you

And I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you.

Good Night and God Bless!

GOOD NEWS!

Hello everyone!  Try not to faint when you notice that this makes 2 blog posts in as many days.  I know it is hard to believe, but I have something important to share with you.  If you can find a way to hear the song below, please do.  The way it is sung, and the feel of the music adds to the beautiful lyrics....  But on to the important thing I have to tell you!

Jesus Loves You!  You Are Not Alone!  

Sometimes it takes a moment of sadness to steer you in the right direction.  Sometimes it is itunes randomly playing the exact right song at the exact right moment. :)  I was sitting in bed, putzing around on the computer, wallowing in old hurts with new actions attached when Good News by Chris Rice began to play.  The beat is catchy, the melody fun, if a little hard to sing, and with lyrics I really needed to hear.  So I thought I would share them with you.  Along with the plug for Chris Rice, who is one of the more brilliant song writers.  While checking out Good News be sure to catch Go light your world, Smell the Color 9, Untitled Hymn, Welcome to Our World, and Cartoon Song.  Now, the lyrics for Good News are below.  God Bless!

"Good News"

-Chris Rice

Well you already know life ain’t easy
‘Cause you’ve had more than your share of hard times
Been so long since you heard the sweet music
Or seen the blue sky

Feels like nobody knows how you’re hurtin’
And you’ve gotten so tired of hidin’ your pain
And you’d give anything to lay down your burden
And just fly away
Oh, but don’t go flyin’ away

‘Cause I’ve got good news
It’s water for the thirsty
Comfort for the weary
Good news
I’ve got good news
There’s hope and peace and freedom
Jesus came to bring ‘em to you
And ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time for some good news

All those talk shows and war zones in the headlines
Well they can’t come close to your chaos inside
So you wanna find a way to leave behind your troubles
And get off this ride

‘Cause it seems like all you’ve been hearin’ is condemnation
And the last thing you need is more shame
Well even your preacher says the Lord is out to get you
But He ain’t that way
Oh no, the Lord, He ain’t that way

I’ve got good news
It’s water for the thirsty
Comfort for the weary
Good news
I’ve got good news
There’s hope and peace and freedom
Jesus came to bring ‘em to you
And ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time for some good news

Where Does My Help Come From?

"Free to Be Me" 

 -Francesca Battistelli

"At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together 
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out 
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy 
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)

And you’re free to be you 

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me 
That I've got all You seek 
And it’s easy to believe
Even though 

(Chorus)"

So, from the wonderful advice of my sister (seconded by my mother)  I bring you a little insight into my brain... and blow the dust off my faith language to see what I can do.

"From Where Does My Help Come?"

Renée Grahame, Apr 2009

My sister and I were on one of our patented aimless drives having an unusually heavy conversation when something she said resonated with me.  "I have to make a conscious effort, and sometimes I give in, but the important thing is to keep making that conscious effort even when I don't want to." (This is not word for word, since my memory is not stellar, but you get the idea.)  The maturity and wisdom that my baby sister emits some days is truly breathtaking.  She was talking about balancing the things she doesn't like to do with the things she loves to do at work in order to keep all of her days positive, but really, this idea can be applied to pretty much anything.  For example, sometimes we would rather be selfish and listen to the general media telling us to look out only for number one.  Some days it takes a conscious effort to remember to be a light of Christ to those around us, and some days it's the last thing we want to do.  But the important thing is to continue making that effort, even when we don't want to...

I started thinking about where we find the strength to make that effort.  Where do I find my strength?  Where in my life do I find that thing takes the most effort?

I could not pin-point the thing in my life that gives me the most trouble...  I had come up with a few things I found difficult, but nothing stood out as being the major one until the bridge of a song on the radio caught my ear.

     "Sometimes I believe that I can do anything/ Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring"

I am at a kind of crossroads in my life at the moment.  I have just finished school for a specific career, and am trying to find work in that field.  But at the same time, I wonder if there is something else I am called to do an be in this world.  And with that sort of crossroad I find I am doubting myself and this path that I have started myself on. Of course self-esteem issues are not new to me (I doubt there are new for any of us), but this questioning is different from my usual fare.  Some days I feel like I have it all figured out, like my life is heading exactly where it should be.  I am happily married to a wonderful man.  I am an empathetic, intelligent (if a little nutty), cherished daughter and a blessed woman surrounded by love.  

And then there are days when I have convinced myself that I have nothing at all to offer this world.  I am fleeting, a blip, a nothing.  Leaving no mark on any one's heart or soul.  Making no difference in even one person's life.  Unable to spread the light of my faith, and so unwilling to even try.  Surrounding myself with an uncaring attitude in order to insulate myself from hurt or disappointment.  And it is in this moment that I need to make a conscious effort, to remember that I am a beloved child of God.

But where do I find the strength to make that effort?  When my spirit is low and I would rather be invisible to the world than shine God's love around me, where do I turn?  Where does my help come from?  How do a get past the darkness and find myself in the light?  Why I lift my eyes to the hills of course!

• 1.
 
• I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from?

• 2.
 
• My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

• 3.
 
• He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber;

• 4.
 
• indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

• 5.
 
• The LORD watches over you-- the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

• 6.
 
• the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

• 7.
 
• The LORD will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life;

• 8.
 
• the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

-Psalm 121, New International Version

     "But You look at my heart and You tell me/ That I've got all You seek/ And it’s easy to believe/ Even though...

     I got a couple dents in my fender/ Got a couple rips in my jeans/ Try to fit the pieces together/ But perfection is my     enemy/ On my own I'm so clumsy/ But on Your shoulders I can see... I'm free to be me"

I know that I am given whatever strength I need from God.  I know that I am being watched over by a Power and Love that never tires, never wains, and never quits.  And in the end, I know that I have been given the gifts I am needed to share with the world, whatever that may look like.  Perhaps for the next few years this means creating a welcoming and warm environment for dental patients.  God alone knows what it will look like in the future.  All I need to do is make a conscious effort to remember that I am a beloved child of God, strengthened by the Lord, and saved by His Son Jesus by the cross.  Remember to make a conscious effort to be pure of heart in all my actions, and to share the light and love of Christ to those around me.  I am not perfect.  I am not expected to be.  I am expected only to live in the way of Jesus Christ, step by step, day by day.  Because on His shoulders, I am free and supported to be my best self.  (Understanding that my best self is a work in progress...lol)  

So though I am not always able to see the plans that God has for me, I take comfort in the knowledge that I am not in this alone.  On my own I may be clumsy, but I am supported by the tender love of Jesus.  Plus, I am blessed to have people in my life who support and love me for the flawed woman that I am.  And whose journey of faith is an inspiration and steady help to make that conscious effort required to live a life of a disciple.  God Bless.

Dear Lord,

Be with me everyday as I struggle to become the person you have planned.  

Aid me in being a light to others, and help me to see the light in others.

Remind me to make a conscious effort, even when I don't want to, to be a beacon of your love.

And help me to see in myself the worthiness you see in me.

Amen.

Well I hope that made a little sense.  I'm off to watch some more Stargate SG-1 season 1 with my hubby.  Good night, blessed ones.  Sleep well.