The human brain is a marvel...

Isn't it amazing what the human brain can do?  One sniff of a certain aroma, or one phrase of an old song can remind us of things in our past.  We can be transported back to a place or time that is linked to that smell, taste, sound or touch.

For example, I was sitting in the spare room in my cozy chair across from the husband...  I had just finished some accounting homework(fun!) and having left my book out in the hall, was searching the junk around me for something to do.  And there It was.  Sitting on a box of miscellaneous memorabilia was a pack of Belmont Milds matches.  Four matches remained in the little paper pack, so to do something I plucked one match off and folding the flap over pinched the match and pulled!  The "pop" was amazingly loud, garnering even my husband's attention (who is playing WOW with headphones on) and the smell was wonderful.   With my eyes closed I took a deep breath and was brought back to Naramata... Winter Session, Silent Nights, or even any random night, but mostly Silent Night to be exact.  These matches just happen to be the ones supplied to me at the center... and with my eyes closed I could see it.

There I sat in my corner room, the overhead light is off and all that illuminates the room is a bedside lamp(over on the other side of the room)  and the dozen or so candles I have sitting  around me at the desk.  The smell of matches is all around me, and the night is quiet.  You see, once a week we had a night of silence.  Starting after dinner, until the next morning after breakfast everyone was expected to be completely silent.  Any activities done were done in silence, and so I often found myself in my corner room, surrounded by candlelight and writing letters to my boyfriend(my now husband).  Those evenings often held a lot of checking in with myself in ways I couldn't do out loud, but seemed to do naturally when writing to my hunny.  The room was warm.... the feeling of safety and silence almost tangible.... and the sanctuary-like space that room became was profound.

And for that moment as the smell of the match wafted away and my husband asked me a question a part of my heart yearned for that time... a time of purposeful silence, with only myself and Jesus and whatever the pen wrote.  A place, a room, spartan in comparison to the junk heap I sit in right now... clean, safe, warm... no responsibility but to be as honest to and about myself as possible and to participate fully in the community we created together. 

And then my heart sighs a little (perhaps there is an audible one as well) and I bring myself into the now... and make a tiny promise to myself that a little of the person I was then would be held in the now, and I would find the silence in the every day, and hear what I am called to do and be.

All of that from a little itty bitty match. :)

G'night!

I am washed by the water

Washed by the water
Needtobreathe

Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light
People started talking
Trying to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice
Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

[chorus]
[repeat twice]
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even if the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even if the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won't never ever let you down
I won't fall, won't fall
Won't fall as long as you're around me

(Repeat 4 times, until the song ends)
[chorus]
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

This song (above) has been playing on the christian radio station that I listen to and seems to have lodge itself into my brain and heart.

I have been thinking about baptism... I don't really know why.  Maybe because my goddaughter has yet to be baptized as her mom and I had intended(I got married in the summer and threw off our plans.... oops) or maybe it's just this song.

Anyway, as I was saying, I have been thinking about baptism.  I don't remember my baptism, since I was baptized at a very young age, as is customary, but last year around my birthday(and also my confirmation...) there was a lady in my church who was baptized as well as a few other who chose to renew their baptismal faith.  As I sit here, listening to this song, on repeat(probably driving my husband crazy...) I think back on that Sunday in June.  It was the week before I was to be confirmed, and the group of people to renew their baptism and the lady being baptized were part of a steering group, to which I also belonged.  We talked about our faith together, and we visioned where the church was heading, and basically were a study group.  (I'm sorry this is random, try to follow..... I think this is going somewhere... :P)  Sooo, that Sunday in June, one of two very powerful Sundays that stand out in my mind, a woman whom I love a lot, even though I don't speak to her much anymore, and admire stood before us and spoke her faith.  And we got to be a part of her baptism.  And the others shared their faith, and we were part of their re-commitment.  This song speaks to my heart so strongly because I have heard these words in many ways come from fellow travelers, folks who I grew up with, shared my faith with and respect for their honesty and bravery... It also speaks to me  so deeply I think because I have been in a storm.  Not one of life or change, but one of faith.  I didn't really want to own up to it, but I have been drifting.... I don't know where my anchor went... it's like my faith, which had rooted itself so deep by that confirmation Sunday in June lost it's hold... the earth, where my faith had been rooted crumbled.  My feelings were hurt, my heart disillusioned, and my place of worship became a place where anger and hurt dwelled.  But I didn't realize it.  I thought I was "taking a break" and could just pick up where I left off, leaving behind the hurt and fear that became synonymous with church.  My whole self feels different.  I feel disconnected from others outside of my family.  Have insulated myself in them and am stuck inside myself.  I spent some time reading affirmations from when I worked on Summer Staff a couple of years ago... it seems like the person they affirm doesn't exist anymore.  They speak of a friendly, warm, caring, shinning woman I don't know.  I think that what happened in my church hurt my sense of self more than I realized.  J has told me over and over how it had nothing to do with me, or my work in the church.... that the gifts I have are still strongly there within me, and very precious.  And I think that even as I hear it with my head, my heart has been deaf to it.  So tonight, as I sit here, crying, listening to this song over and over  I hear something important.

That even when the rain and wind and floods seem to overwhelm I have not drowned.

Even when the earth crumble under my feet, I will Not Fall.  Because I am washed in Jesus' love.  I am steady on the rock, and He is with me.  

I don't expect immediate "recovery", the most ground in dirt takes patience to wash away.  So I stand in the soothing and wonderful love, and am washed by the water.  But I will keep this song on my ipod... Just in case I need a reminder.

May you all remember that even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts rising, even when the storm comes, you are washed in the gentle and unconditional love of Jesus.  Held fiercely with the powerful compassion and care that is our Savior.  May you hold that close, and allow your heart to  be soothed and reminded.

God Bless.

Yay!

Hello.

There is a fear in me, a longing.  This sits in my heart like a two sided coin, covered, obscuring their true faces, keeping me confused.

Huh?  What does that even mean?

Have you felt the lump?  The one that sits almost on top of your chest, as if to try to constrict your breathing or at least never let you forget it is there?

Perhaps that two sided coin is not what it seems?  Perhaps if uncovered I would discover an icosahedron, 20 sides laughing at me.

Did you wonder how your heart could be so full of light, love, happiness, but be near tears?

Have you ever seen Darkwing Duck?  It's funny.

Is laziness a disease to be fought?  A habit to be broken?  A quirk to be tolerated?

I like my red socks.

I don't type very well... and classes are simply frustrating me... but I'm trying.

My husband is the bestest ever, and I love him very much... even when he picks his computer over me.... lol

Pink is a good, solid, dependable colour.  With just enough daring to never be dull.

I want to spend money... buy things.... hmmm.... I wonder if that has a deeper meaning than consumerism and selfishness.

Happiness and contentment, satisfaction and coasting, hmmm.... do any of these build houses?

Nikki complains I don't post... I hope she likes this one.  I'm sure I'll figure out what it means.  Maybe I'll tell you when I know.  Or maybe not.

Me.