Thursday, August 13, 2009

Time is sliding by...

I have no idea where the time has gone. It would seem that it has been only days since the summer began and yet here I sit staring at the fast approaching month of September. Since I became a bum that lives off my husband time seems to run together. There is no distinct distinction between days... I put off things "until tomorrow" and the next thing I know a week has passed and nothing has been resolved.

I am excited to say that I have finished the painting in my living room and have begun the fun that is rearranging furniture into the most usable configuration. I am quite happy with the color blue we chose and have to say that the mistakes don't really bother me at all. If they bother Malcolm, he has said nothing (shock) and probably knows that whatever he does point out will be added to His 'to do' rather than mine. lol

Perhaps I should mention, for those who don't know, that September is such a significant marker for me because that is when I will begin to look after my Goddaughter full-time. I am so excited about the opportunity to both create a close relationship with the lovely and rambunctious not-quite-two-year-old, and to have more of a chance to actually fulfill my role as GODmother and show her the wonders of a relationship with Jesus. I am honestly a little nervous under my excitement. I have no idea what I am doing. I have worked with and looked after children of most ages, but never for such a concentrated amount of time, and never without a theme or schedule already planned out for them. We have been busy around my place, cleaning (since I am not know for my tidiness) and child proofing as well as buying some great 'equipment'. A toddler bed for naps, a little tykes clubhouse/swing set for the yard, little table and chair set, sand box, baby monitor for nap times, toddler utensils and sippy cups, sidewalk chalk and some exciting ideas for crafts already. I think she will be the youngest child I have ever worked with and so I am not sure what kind of activities to plan. Mostly I am quite happily going by the seat of my pants (that's when I do my best work anyways.)

But on that front it is mostly preparation and learning as we go... So it is the other front of the storm that has me a little unsettled. I have been going weekly to talk with a pastor friend and she has been helping me to put words and intent to this God-gift in me. We have been recently talking about God showing me the big-picture plan He has for me, so that all my little baby steps can, at least in some way, be true to that goal. We have also been talking about what it means to surrender to God's plan and move forward with His purpose. Now, I have posted the little thingy I wrote about Surrender.... It is one thing to write something and to understand it in my head, and quite another to have it become part of my heart habits. There is definitely a fear in me that is making it hard to even acknowledge the questions in any tangible way. I know that part of that fear is the unknown of what this big-picture will be... What if I discover that I am simply unable, or not ready to achieve this plan that God has for me? Maybe the biggest is the idea that I will have to do even more "letting go of the tree" than I can do... I am a very...*coughhermitcough* ... Introverted person. Part of me wishes to be a social and effervescent personality but when I try (even with people I have know forever, or for whom I have a passionate awe and love for) I feel that hermit calling for me to return to the safety of my house, my kittens, my family and my quiet existence. There are so many times in my past when an opportunity to connect with people and to create new relationships has been hindered by the... what do I call it.... laziness? shyness? narcissism? Will this become a hindrance to my relationship with God? Is it wanting to meet Him on my terms? Is it being willing to risk only a part so to make for a quick retreat? Maybe it's the total lack of understanding that I have for this gift I am told I have. I don't see it. Maybe I don't want to see it.
So as always, I have to continually challenge myself to avoid retreating... News flash: This week is not going to be considered a banner week... I have retreated so far inside myself that I have completely avoided the topic even with myself. I have done nothing to address these fears or questions... And I have that sick/scared feeling when I think about my next meeting. Not because of what might be asked, but because of the answers that my pride fears will arise...

And so this lighthearted, catch up blog has once again turned into something else entirely. There must be something about sitting at a keyboard... Or it could be that the barriers are weak, it being 2:40 am... lol

So goodnight fair world, sleep well and may the dawn bring new light and strong currents of love.

i *less than three* you

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