Monday, August 17, 2009

Rambling along... join me?

I cannot say exactly the point of this blog update if only for for updates sake. I have been pretty consistent lately (actually made two posts within 2 weeks of each other!) and so wanted to continue the trend. So this post has no particular destination or direction... (this means trouble, I can tell...)

I have to admit that now, with the prospect of contributing to the income of this little twosome of a family come September, I am becoming much more settled in the stay-at-home-ness that is my life. It might help that I spent the majority of Sunday catching up on neglected laundry, and seem to actually be getting some definable chores accomplished. My living room area is now a lovely shade of 'Wild Blue Yonder' while the couple (nine-ish) blue marks on the ceiling bother me minimally. My kitchen (though while not at the moment) is clean and actually nice looking for the most part... Malcolm did make pie though today and I have yet to clean that up. (P.S. the pie is VERY yummy *be jealous* lol) These may seem like little non-monumental things, but for anyone that knows me you will recognize the amazing leap that is for this devout clutter-butt. There is definitely many more chores that need to be seen to (that I am ignoring by being on the computer...) but as my Mother told me recently, I have to be proud of all of these little achievements. And so I share these little things with you!

I was mentioning in my last post that I was feeling nervous and unsure about the calling God had for me, and whether I would be able to achieve this plan. We discussed about how if you allow yourself to offer every act of what you do in your life to God as a vessel for Him to work through you, then it becomes less about what the Big Awesome Scary God Plan is and more about the spirit in which you live your life. I was reading one of the days in my devotional the other day and it spoke about prayer... about how it can be frustrating if you treat prayer as the waiting for an answer from God... like waiting for your friend to answer a question. God does not always work in your life in obvious and outright ways. Sometimes the way the God works through you, is only apparent in hindsight. For example:

For a time after I had returned from Disneyland with my husband, and life returned to the 'daily grind' there was this insistent voice in my head urging me to find work... any employ at all really. The field of Dental Reception seemed to be out of my reach and honestly not the right fit... so while applying for those I turned to the retail industry to soften my fall. I applied many places (from my home computer, no hitting the pavement for this lazy-butt) and never received a reply. The most I got was one company getting hold of me to let me know that they could not actually read the file I sent with my resume. After some converting on my part, and them kindly letting me know they could open it, the front again became silent. Then during a casual conversation, the idea to take over the daycare for my Goddaughter took root. After researching this and making sure that I was able to do this and have my girlfriend still receive her subsidy, as well as not needing to jump through a thousand hoops to get some kind of license, the idea lay fallow for two weeks. Then it became a actually tangible reality... these next few weeks were spent in preparation of having a little one here, and of deciding if this was part of the path I had agreed to follow as a Christ follower.
Then a few days ago I received a phone call from the same lady at the company who asked for my resume in a different format. Apparently my resume had gone 'somewhere' for two months and just recently came across her desk. She called it an impressive resume, and that they would like to set up a meeting with me if I was still interested, etc. So feeling totally flattered I had to reply that I was, unfortunately unavailable. The thing is that if my resume had not gone to that 'somewhere' that it did, and they had ended up offering me a job at that point 2 months ago I would probably have taken it. And then this amazing opportunity of looking after, building a relationship with and being a presence of Christ for Danika would have possibly never come along! And honestly, I think that I would have been miserable in 3 months tops had I returned to retail. So there God was, quietly steering me away from something that was not in His plan for me.
So I am excited to be planning and learning and being a leader again. I am part of a small home Christ community that has much potential and much wonderful spirit. I will soon be spending copious amounts of time with my hellion of a Goddaughter and look forward to the adventures we will have. I also look forward to the opportunity to live up to my mantle of Godmother and be a presence of Christ in her life (and maybe that of her mother's along the way...)

And on another note entirely.... The cast of 'The Guild' has a music video that came out on iTunes today... it has also been posted to their YouTube channel... I think you all should watch it (especially if you are gamers, know gamers, or [in my case] are married to a gamer. Also if you like Felicia Day... you *might* like this... lol) So go here to see the video... and check out the first two seasons of 'The Guild' while you are there!

not bad for a ramble post... If I do say so myself!

i *less than three* you
R.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Time is sliding by...

I have no idea where the time has gone. It would seem that it has been only days since the summer began and yet here I sit staring at the fast approaching month of September. Since I became a bum that lives off my husband time seems to run together. There is no distinct distinction between days... I put off things "until tomorrow" and the next thing I know a week has passed and nothing has been resolved.

I am excited to say that I have finished the painting in my living room and have begun the fun that is rearranging furniture into the most usable configuration. I am quite happy with the color blue we chose and have to say that the mistakes don't really bother me at all. If they bother Malcolm, he has said nothing (shock) and probably knows that whatever he does point out will be added to His 'to do' rather than mine. lol

Perhaps I should mention, for those who don't know, that September is such a significant marker for me because that is when I will begin to look after my Goddaughter full-time. I am so excited about the opportunity to both create a close relationship with the lovely and rambunctious not-quite-two-year-old, and to have more of a chance to actually fulfill my role as GODmother and show her the wonders of a relationship with Jesus. I am honestly a little nervous under my excitement. I have no idea what I am doing. I have worked with and looked after children of most ages, but never for such a concentrated amount of time, and never without a theme or schedule already planned out for them. We have been busy around my place, cleaning (since I am not know for my tidiness) and child proofing as well as buying some great 'equipment'. A toddler bed for naps, a little tykes clubhouse/swing set for the yard, little table and chair set, sand box, baby monitor for nap times, toddler utensils and sippy cups, sidewalk chalk and some exciting ideas for crafts already. I think she will be the youngest child I have ever worked with and so I am not sure what kind of activities to plan. Mostly I am quite happily going by the seat of my pants (that's when I do my best work anyways.)

But on that front it is mostly preparation and learning as we go... So it is the other front of the storm that has me a little unsettled. I have been going weekly to talk with a pastor friend and she has been helping me to put words and intent to this God-gift in me. We have been recently talking about God showing me the big-picture plan He has for me, so that all my little baby steps can, at least in some way, be true to that goal. We have also been talking about what it means to surrender to God's plan and move forward with His purpose. Now, I have posted the little thingy I wrote about Surrender.... It is one thing to write something and to understand it in my head, and quite another to have it become part of my heart habits. There is definitely a fear in me that is making it hard to even acknowledge the questions in any tangible way. I know that part of that fear is the unknown of what this big-picture will be... What if I discover that I am simply unable, or not ready to achieve this plan that God has for me? Maybe the biggest is the idea that I will have to do even more "letting go of the tree" than I can do... I am a very...*coughhermitcough* ... Introverted person. Part of me wishes to be a social and effervescent personality but when I try (even with people I have know forever, or for whom I have a passionate awe and love for) I feel that hermit calling for me to return to the safety of my house, my kittens, my family and my quiet existence. There are so many times in my past when an opportunity to connect with people and to create new relationships has been hindered by the... what do I call it.... laziness? shyness? narcissism? Will this become a hindrance to my relationship with God? Is it wanting to meet Him on my terms? Is it being willing to risk only a part so to make for a quick retreat? Maybe it's the total lack of understanding that I have for this gift I am told I have. I don't see it. Maybe I don't want to see it.
So as always, I have to continually challenge myself to avoid retreating... News flash: This week is not going to be considered a banner week... I have retreated so far inside myself that I have completely avoided the topic even with myself. I have done nothing to address these fears or questions... And I have that sick/scared feeling when I think about my next meeting. Not because of what might be asked, but because of the answers that my pride fears will arise...

And so this lighthearted, catch up blog has once again turned into something else entirely. There must be something about sitting at a keyboard... Or it could be that the barriers are weak, it being 2:40 am... lol

So goodnight fair world, sleep well and may the dawn bring new light and strong currents of love.

i *less than three* you
R.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

"Surrender"

On Saturday, a few folk got together in a friends house for some barbeque and some fellowship. I was asked to share and so spent some time a wrote this. For those who were there on Saturday, the first part you have heard as it is what I read that night. But be sure to stay tuned for the second part, which I didn't read out that night and would like to share. I welcome any comment and invite anyone who would like to, to share their story or wonderings about surrender. (This is dated July 31, 2009 and so this is the day I refer to in the writing.)

“Surrender”


There is something both amazingly peaceful and supremely frightening about that word. Part of me thinks that giving up responsibility would be amazing. How much time in the day do I use up just making choices and decisions? How wonderful would it be to give that up? Part of me thinks that giving over control is the most horrifying thing a person could ever do. How many times have our role models or heroes shouted, “Never give up! Never Surrender!”? There is a fear of surrendering because surrendering to another, being vulnerable to someone else opens us up to the possibility of being hurt or taken advantage of.


Surrendering to God’s control is much more peaceful and just as frightening, but for different reasons. The fear comes from a place that tells us we are not worthy. We fear completely opening ourselves to God in case He hadn’t noticed before this secret inadequacy of character and drive we have so carefully buried deep inside. We have been hiding from ourselves the places of brokenness and to lay them open before God means that we must also confront them, and there is the real fear. Saying we don’t feel a certain way anymore, or won’t be a certain way anymore has no power unless we ask for God’s help. And I don’t mean in the way of surrendering every responsibility and decision to God. God won’t start making your choices for you after you have surrendered the reins of your life to him. Surrendering your whole self to God allows for you to be guided in the path He has set out for you. The choices (to no longer surrender, to ignore His guidance, or to follow His will) are still ours to make. God desires for us, His children, to reach the full potential and to use the gifts that he has given us to be lights of Christ in the world. And while we cannot accomplish that on our own, we need God’s help, so too does God need us to open ourselves completely to Him for the goal to be attained. The Peace comes from the relationship with Jesus, the peace comes from the knowledge that we are God’s children, loved and cared for completely. Enveloped in His caring once we surrender all that we are into His hands.


But HOW? I hear those words echo as I write. Is it only my heart that calls out these words, do others feel the same? How do I overcome my fear and trepidation and surrender wholly and completely to God? Where do I even begin?


Begin where everything begins. A prayer. Pray, wonder, ask for God’s help, then remember. Remember the things that you forgot you knew... That there is no inadequacy of character or drive, there is no brokenness that is too much for the cross to bear. For that is where surrender begins. With the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross so that we might give over our burdens and brokenness, and live open and surrendered to the love and control of God. I don’t mean that we have to die, literally. But that we must die to the life we are living now, die to the brokenness that holds us separate from God and rise in surrender to His great Majesty and love. (We do not live to ourselves, and we do not die to ourselves. If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. For to this end Christ died and lived again, so that he might be Lord of both the dead and the living. Romans 14: 7-9) It is not what I have done, it is not what I will do that makes me worthy. But simply that I am Yours and you have made me in your image.


And so we pray,


Dearest Creator,


You have created us all with great things in mind. You have given us many gifts and much of yourself so that we might live a meaningful life. But we find it hard to surrender our lives to you. We fear the vulnerability and brokenness in our hearts, and so we fear surrendering to you. But in your immense wisdom you have shown us the way to you. You sent Jesus to us, so that He might be a guide for us. So now we need only courage and strength. Courage to open ourselves to you, knowing we will confront our brokenness, and the strength to lay it at the foot of the cross so we might rise again as messengers of your love to this world. Help us to keep Jesus and His sacrifice in our hearts, to keep that knowledge and guide with us every day. Help us to know that this is a journey, not a destination to see and forget. We are a new creation, we leave the old behind, the brokenness, the fear, and we embrace You, surrender to Your will knowing you will care and guide with infinite love.


This next part is the part I did not share on Saturday:


I speak of this all as if it wasn’t an epiphany that struck me only today, a remembering of something my soul already knew, but that my mind had yet to understand. But to be honest I haven’t quite reached that place of surrender. The fear, the vulnerability and brokenness still grip me as I wrestle with imagined and well rooted inadequacies. Like Jeremiah, when the Lord called on him to begin his work as a prophet I say; “Truly I do not know how to speak, for I am only a girl.” But the Lord created me. He knew every one of my days before I was born, and he has bestowed his gifts upon me. As it says in the Psalm, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made”, and His works are wonderful. I have to remember to lay my fears at the foot of the cross, I have to remember that even though it is scary, in the end there is nothing but peace in surrendering. I know the fear that I have comes from a fear of failing, a fear that I will not be able to accomplish the task that God will ask of me. I know this, and yet I fear letting these go just as much as keeping them. They have become so much a part of who I am, who will I be if I lay them down? Who am I becoming as I walk this path? Only God has the answers, and I must open myself to them. Would you pray with me?


Loving God,


Everything you have made is glorious. I am one of those creations. Hold me close, Lord. I open my heart and life to your direction. Whisper your orders into my heart, and help me find the strength to listen well. I lay at the cross my fears. Fear of being laughed at, fear of missteps, fear of losing, fear of not achieving that which you have planned for me, fear of the unknown and fear that in the end I will fail and will be a disappointment. Take these from me, and pour into me your spirit. Amen.