Thursday, September 24, 2009

What do I know? And other moments in life.

So I know it has been a gagillion years since I posted (intentional use of unspecific, made up, fake number) but in my own defense I have been very rarely on my computer since the beginning of September... and when I am on, it is to read the wit and intelligence shared by those I follow, as opposed to trying to replicate the awesome.... lol Anyway, now that the excuse portion of the post is behind us, I will enlighten you to the reason I have felt the call to blog.

Isn't it amazing how God places things in our life just as we need them? Or perhaps they have been present in our lives (or in the wider world) for many years, but you never noticed/were exposed to/thought of it in the same way as to make a difference in the here and now.
For example, when I was in grade 8 I participated in the Musical "Annie Get Your Gun" at school. Until that year I had no idea who or what Annie Oakley was, but in the weeks after starting the musical Annie Oakley seemed to be referenced in everything I saw...

Okay, so maybe that example didn't quite grasp what I mean.... So here is another example:

It was a mild early fall Wednesday night, the darkness was friendly and familiar as I drove the streets of Saanich to take my brother home. The evening had been lovely spent with my family (save my parents who are in Jamaica to celebrate their 30th anniversary) eating pizza and ice cream. Playing video games and being on the computer (a fairly common family pass time). My brother and I have a very interesting conversation concerning toy guns and whether children should be allowed to play with them. But then, as I drove back home in the quiet of the night, with only the radio and the street lights to keep me company (there may have been other what should play on the radio but this song. It's "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road. As soon as it began to play, it was as if the world became as small as my car, and I heard my heart speaking the words as she sang them. That the song played at that moment, when I had nothing to distract from hearing it, in the darkness and quiet of the night when I feel the most 'receptive', I believe, is no cosmic coincidence. The Lord works quietly around and in our lives, and waits for a time when our hearts are the most receptive, to speak His love, to speak His plans, and to speak His word.

Now I am sure you are wondering what He spoke to me...

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

He said, "I see your doubts. I see into your very depths and know that you feel as if you know nothing at all."

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

He said, "I see your gifts, I gave them to you. I see the possibilities and hope you offer to the world even when you do not. I am endlessly patient and will keep whispering my words until you hear."

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

He said, "You don't need to know it all. I know it all. And I will speak through you, love through you, hope and have faith through you. Open your heart to me and hear."

There is a part of me that fears God. Okay, maybe not God, but the deep change He is working in me even now. Even as I try to discover my calling I turn and run from God. The change he is working in me is one on the molecular level. I will be changed deeply, I can see glimpses even now. And my fear tells me to turn away. My fear tells me that life is easier/better/more fun without God, and yet I feel the calling keenly. Something is moving. I am afraid to look closely to find out what it is.

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

In the grand scheme of things I am but one grain of sand. But in God's Grand Scheme I have a more defined role. I pray I have the courage to find out what it is.

Well, Malcolm is here and so signals bedtime. Good night world, may you also have the courage to open our heart and hear the whispers in your heart. (They are probably important.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Amen Sister!. Speak the truth for the world to hear... those who have ears, hear! Bless you Renee