Monday, November 17, 2008

I am washed by the water

Washed by the water

Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light
People started talking
Trying to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice
Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

[repeat twice]
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even if the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even if the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won't never ever let you down
I won't fall, won't fall
Won't fall as long as you're around me

(Repeat 4 times, until the song ends)
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

This song (above) has been playing on the christian radio station that I listen to and seems to have lodge itself into my brain and heart.

I have been thinking about baptism... I don't really know why.  Maybe because my goddaughter has yet to be baptized as her mom and I had intended(I got married in the summer and threw off our plans.... oops) or maybe it's just this song.

Anyway, as I was saying, I have been thinking about baptism.  I don't remember my baptism, since I was baptized at a very young age, as is customary, but last year around my birthday(and also my confirmation...) there was a lady in my church who was baptized as well as a few other who chose to renew their baptismal faith.  As I sit here, listening to this song, on repeat(probably driving my husband crazy...) I think back on that Sunday in June.  It was the week before I was to be confirmed, and the group of people to renew their baptism and the lady being baptized were part of a steering group, to which I also belonged.  We talked about our faith together, and we visioned where the church was heading, and basically were a study group.  (I'm sorry this is random, try to follow..... I think this is going somewhere... :P)  Sooo, that Sunday in June, one of two very powerful Sundays that stand out in my mind, a woman whom I love a lot, even though I don't speak to her much anymore, and admire stood before us and spoke her faith.  And we got to be a part of her baptism.  And the others shared their faith, and we were part of their re-commitment.  This song speaks to my heart so strongly because I have heard these words in many ways come from fellow travelers, folks who I grew up with, shared my faith with and respect for their honesty and bravery... It also speaks to me  so deeply I think because I have been in a storm.  Not one of life or change, but one of faith.  I didn't really want to own up to it, but I have been drifting.... I don't know where my anchor went... it's like my faith, which had rooted itself so deep by that confirmation Sunday in June lost it's hold... the earth, where my faith had been rooted crumbled.  My feelings were hurt, my heart disillusioned, and my place of worship became a place where anger and hurt dwelled.  But I didn't realize it.  I thought I was "taking a break" and could just pick up where I left off, leaving behind the hurt and fear that became synonymous with church.  My whole self feels different.  I feel disconnected from others outside of my family.  Have insulated myself in them and am stuck inside myself.  I spent some time reading affirmations from when I worked on Summer Staff a couple of years ago... it seems like the person they affirm doesn't exist anymore.  They speak of a friendly, warm, caring, shinning woman I don't know.  I think that what happened in my church hurt my sense of self more than I realized.  J has told me over and over how it had nothing to do with me, or my work in the church.... that the gifts I have are still strongly there within me, and very precious.  And I think that even as I hear it with my head, my heart has been deaf to it.  So tonight, as I sit here, crying, listening to this song over and over  I hear something important.

That even when the rain and wind and floods seem to overwhelm I have not drowned.

Even when the earth crumble under my feet, I will Not Fall.  Because I am washed in Jesus' love.  I am steady on the rock, and He is with me.  

I don't expect immediate "recovery", the most ground in dirt takes patience to wash away.  So I stand in the soothing and wonderful love, and am washed by the water.  But I will keep this song on my ipod... Just in case I need a reminder.

May you all remember that even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts rising, even when the storm comes, you are washed in the gentle and unconditional love of Jesus.  Held fiercely with the powerful compassion and care that is our Savior.  May you hold that close, and allow your heart to  be soothed and reminded.

God Bless.

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