I have found myself needing a 'musical fix' and so have been listening to Wicked and I Love You Because (A Modern Day Musical Love Story) with a little Les Mis thrown in for good measure.
But anyway, here is what is on my mind....
I am turning 25 this month, and while for ages I believed people were ridiculous to be anxious about just another year among (hopefully) many, many years, I am finding myself not unaffected by the upcoming anniversary. And while I believe this is the reason behind the frame of mind I find myself in, it is possibly only a small part (only God knows)...
I have been spending the last year (more than that, really) working on my faith and focusing on what plan God has for me, and what talents he has gifted me with... And while I feel like I have grown much over this learning, I seem to have run into a wall.
Part of me says,
"Pray, and work harder to discover what it is that is blocking you, God will help you move/remove it."
While the other part of me says,
"I don't want to. Can't I just stay here? I am comfortable here. I am willing to move forward, but don't want to be going at such a pace."
The part of me that wants to stay still is louder... If this were a tug-o-war it would be the winner.
I know what I would say to someone else if they came to me with this. Something along the lines of:
"Change is not always comfortable."
"So far, whenever you have gone forward, despite how hard or uncomfortable it has been, hasn't it been worth it?"
"Running away never solves anything."
"Everyone had walls/hard places they have to overcome. It's part of life. It's part of becoming the person God intends you to be. There is no 'escaping' life. There is no 'escaping' God."
And yet, even as I know that in my head, my heart cries out,
"Don't I deserve a sabbatical? Can't I simply drift in the blessings of family God has given me? Must you push me?"
I supposed that you could say I am tired. You could say that I am giving up. What I can say for sure is that there is a distinct backing off I feel happening in me. A decision to relegate myself to 'luke-warm' status as a Christian, and take myself out of the flow, for now. I think a part of it comes from this crazy system upheaval that my turning 25 has surprisingly begun. But also I think it stems from a habit I picked up in my youth. When things get hard, when you feel overwhelmed, back off. You can't be found foolish if you don't participate. And even knowing that, even knowing all the things to say.... I still hear a "give me time" from my heart, a calling out for a slower pace.
This has been building in me for a couple of weeks... and I think this is it's voice. Now, what do I do with it?