Christmas is coming the goose is getting... cheese?

Well hello!

Long time no 'C'!  And no other letters either... (hahaha... ok lame joke)

I have been completely ignoring my computer... what with the end of school, trying to time out of keyboarding(which was unsuccessful....)  and getting ready for Christmas I have had no time to spend on the computer, much less find the time(or inclination) to update this here blog.

I have been finding myself a little frustrated about getting ready for Christmas this year.   I had most of my Christmas shopping done in November(the important stuff...my hubby hehe) and feel like I've made no progress since.  I have been trying to figure out what my job is as wife this year... Write Christmas cards, check.  Make sure I know what relatives of his need presents, check.  Get husband to tell me what it is we need to buy for said relatives.... harder than it looks. :D  Mail Christmas cards, what?  I decided rather last minute that it might be nice to send a portrait of us to his family(and mine) in the Christmas cards and they aren't ready until the 20th(a Saturday) so I won't be able to send them out until Monday(the 22nd) and that's if I have postage(which I don't at present)....  Make hook latch rug(which I intend to turn into a big pillow...) which is huger than it looked on the box, and now I only have 6 days left to finish hooking, finish it off, make it into a huge pillow somehow and wrap it. :) (p.s. I am not even half done... and I got it.....10 days ago?)  That's while I'm trying to Drag(quite literally) my husband out shopping with me for the last things on the list(his family and friends) and doing what I love most... Wrapping!

Wrapping things is easily the best thing ever.  And I totally get to do it, because the majority of my family doesn't care about wrapping(and are lazy enough to love having someone else do it) and my Mom, she lets me do it cause I love it, and that's how Mom's are.  (She may also be under the false impression that I'm better at it than she is.... crazy Mommy.)

It has actually been snowing here on the lovely island.... and the locals are in a frenzy.... hahaha, okay it's not that bad.  But it is the most talked about topic at the water cooler(and in the Wal~Mart aisles).  We are actually going to have a white Christmas!  And while that is all well and good, I feel bad for those who have to continue the daily grind in this crazy weather.  I am luckily out of school and without responsibilities... although the white stuff is putting a cramp in my last minute Christmas shopping... lol.  Also I think I have a cold.  Gross.

I am really glad that I have this time off before Christmas.... and after!  I don't go back to class until January 5th, 2009!  Which is the longest amount of time I've had off since.... well actually not that long ago because of the time I had off for the wedding.... but still this is much less structured than a wedding and honeymoon... and colder. :(

I can hardly believe that I have already made it half-way through my course and in a short 4 months will be graduated and hopefully off to Disneyland with my husband to celebrate(and there's the whole being married a whole year thing in there too... :P)  I am really nervous about the practicum portion of next term, but am also totally jazzed.  I have my fingers crossed for a friendly office where I will fit in.... and then have an opening May... lol  But that is the future and right now is about Presents!

It feels weird to not be a part of planning (and being in)  a Christmas pageant/Christmas Eve service.  I have been Mother Mary for three years and Jésus(hay-Zeus) and I are a little confused.  lol.   ( I totally just figured out how to do a "é" on my Mac... I am so stoked, now I can spell my name right! Go Me!) (Renée, Renée, Renée... mwahahahahaha)  (I have only had this thing for like almost a year now... sheesh)  (this post is full of parentheses... sorry)  Anyway, back to the Christmas service thing, I have never had a Christmas Eve so... well open... since I started working at Wal~Mart...(4 years ago...) and my hubby is off too, so yay!

Well it's 20min to 4am and my hubby has finally finished helping some friends with a big bad WOW boss guy, so I had better sign off.

Ta ta!

Byes!

Oh, and May your Christmas(or holiday, whatever your beliefs)  be filled with peace, hope, light and love and may that joy follow you into the new year!

Joyeux Noël!

Me.

Deeper Waters run darkly underneath....?

Today, while playing with the Apple TV my Dad got and browsing my Dad's itunes I ran across a Casting Crowns song that I haven't heard in a long while.  I had forgotten how much I loved the song, and how close to home it hits for me always.  I think that I would love to have a small group that met like once a month and talked about songs... I could pick out tons of songs that say things to me(a lot of them coming from Casting Crowns)  and how neat would it be to talk about them?  I used a lot of Casting Crowns songs as "inspiration" when I was doing pulpit supply at EUC. Here are the lyrics to the song I listened to tonight, and then I'm going to write a list of other songs that hug my heart when I hear them.  My hope is that you will listen to them and if they touch you too you'll leave a comment and tell me in what way and we can talk about them :)  And would also like to invite you to leave me a list of songs that you find touching or remarkably true to you, so that I might listen and learn :)

Here is Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

And here is my list of awesome songs (for the time being)

Casting Crowns:

If We are the Body

Praise You in this Storm

Does Anybody Hear Her

What this World Needs

The Altar and the Door

Here I Go Again

Voice of Truth

Who Am I

Michael W. Smith: (there are probably tons more, but this is it for now and mostly from the album "Stand")

Be Lifted High

Come to the Cross

Steven Curtis Chapman:(same as above, there are many more, these are mostly from the album "This Moment")

Broken

Children of God

Needtobreathe:

Washed by the Water

Chris Rice:

Untitled Hymn(Come to Jesus)

Chris Tomlin:

Enough

God of this City 

How Can I Keep from Singing

Made to Worship

Amazing Grace(My Chains are Gone)

How Great is our God

Matt Redman:

Blessed be Your Name

Various... so I don't really know

No One Like You (Barlowgirl??)

Grace Flows Down

I think that's enough for tonight :)

Bye.

The human brain is a marvel...

Isn't it amazing what the human brain can do?  One sniff of a certain aroma, or one phrase of an old song can remind us of things in our past.  We can be transported back to a place or time that is linked to that smell, taste, sound or touch.

For example, I was sitting in the spare room in my cozy chair across from the husband...  I had just finished some accounting homework(fun!) and having left my book out in the hall, was searching the junk around me for something to do.  And there It was.  Sitting on a box of miscellaneous memorabilia was a pack of Belmont Milds matches.  Four matches remained in the little paper pack, so to do something I plucked one match off and folding the flap over pinched the match and pulled!  The "pop" was amazingly loud, garnering even my husband's attention (who is playing WOW with headphones on) and the smell was wonderful.   With my eyes closed I took a deep breath and was brought back to Naramata... Winter Session, Silent Nights, or even any random night, but mostly Silent Night to be exact.  These matches just happen to be the ones supplied to me at the center... and with my eyes closed I could see it.

There I sat in my corner room, the overhead light is off and all that illuminates the room is a bedside lamp(over on the other side of the room)  and the dozen or so candles I have sitting  around me at the desk.  The smell of matches is all around me, and the night is quiet.  You see, once a week we had a night of silence.  Starting after dinner, until the next morning after breakfast everyone was expected to be completely silent.  Any activities done were done in silence, and so I often found myself in my corner room, surrounded by candlelight and writing letters to my boyfriend(my now husband).  Those evenings often held a lot of checking in with myself in ways I couldn't do out loud, but seemed to do naturally when writing to my hunny.  The room was warm.... the feeling of safety and silence almost tangible.... and the sanctuary-like space that room became was profound.

And for that moment as the smell of the match wafted away and my husband asked me a question a part of my heart yearned for that time... a time of purposeful silence, with only myself and Jesus and whatever the pen wrote.  A place, a room, spartan in comparison to the junk heap I sit in right now... clean, safe, warm... no responsibility but to be as honest to and about myself as possible and to participate fully in the community we created together. 

And then my heart sighs a little (perhaps there is an audible one as well) and I bring myself into the now... and make a tiny promise to myself that a little of the person I was then would be held in the now, and I would find the silence in the every day, and hear what I am called to do and be.

All of that from a little itty bitty match. :)

G'night!

I am washed by the water

Washed by the water
Needtobreathe

Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light
People started talking
Trying to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice
Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

[chorus]
[repeat twice]
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even if the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even if the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won't never ever let you down
I won't fall, won't fall
Won't fall as long as you're around me

(Repeat 4 times, until the song ends)
[chorus]
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

This song (above) has been playing on the christian radio station that I listen to and seems to have lodge itself into my brain and heart.

I have been thinking about baptism... I don't really know why.  Maybe because my goddaughter has yet to be baptized as her mom and I had intended(I got married in the summer and threw off our plans.... oops) or maybe it's just this song.

Anyway, as I was saying, I have been thinking about baptism.  I don't remember my baptism, since I was baptized at a very young age, as is customary, but last year around my birthday(and also my confirmation...) there was a lady in my church who was baptized as well as a few other who chose to renew their baptismal faith.  As I sit here, listening to this song, on repeat(probably driving my husband crazy...) I think back on that Sunday in June.  It was the week before I was to be confirmed, and the group of people to renew their baptism and the lady being baptized were part of a steering group, to which I also belonged.  We talked about our faith together, and we visioned where the church was heading, and basically were a study group.  (I'm sorry this is random, try to follow..... I think this is going somewhere... :P)  Sooo, that Sunday in June, one of two very powerful Sundays that stand out in my mind, a woman whom I love a lot, even though I don't speak to her much anymore, and admire stood before us and spoke her faith.  And we got to be a part of her baptism.  And the others shared their faith, and we were part of their re-commitment.  This song speaks to my heart so strongly because I have heard these words in many ways come from fellow travelers, folks who I grew up with, shared my faith with and respect for their honesty and bravery... It also speaks to me  so deeply I think because I have been in a storm.  Not one of life or change, but one of faith.  I didn't really want to own up to it, but I have been drifting.... I don't know where my anchor went... it's like my faith, which had rooted itself so deep by that confirmation Sunday in June lost it's hold... the earth, where my faith had been rooted crumbled.  My feelings were hurt, my heart disillusioned, and my place of worship became a place where anger and hurt dwelled.  But I didn't realize it.  I thought I was "taking a break" and could just pick up where I left off, leaving behind the hurt and fear that became synonymous with church.  My whole self feels different.  I feel disconnected from others outside of my family.  Have insulated myself in them and am stuck inside myself.  I spent some time reading affirmations from when I worked on Summer Staff a couple of years ago... it seems like the person they affirm doesn't exist anymore.  They speak of a friendly, warm, caring, shinning woman I don't know.  I think that what happened in my church hurt my sense of self more than I realized.  J has told me over and over how it had nothing to do with me, or my work in the church.... that the gifts I have are still strongly there within me, and very precious.  And I think that even as I hear it with my head, my heart has been deaf to it.  So tonight, as I sit here, crying, listening to this song over and over  I hear something important.

That even when the rain and wind and floods seem to overwhelm I have not drowned.

Even when the earth crumble under my feet, I will Not Fall.  Because I am washed in Jesus' love.  I am steady on the rock, and He is with me.  

I don't expect immediate "recovery", the most ground in dirt takes patience to wash away.  So I stand in the soothing and wonderful love, and am washed by the water.  But I will keep this song on my ipod... Just in case I need a reminder.

May you all remember that even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts rising, even when the storm comes, you are washed in the gentle and unconditional love of Jesus.  Held fiercely with the powerful compassion and care that is our Savior.  May you hold that close, and allow your heart to  be soothed and reminded.

God Bless.

Yay!

Hello.

There is a fear in me, a longing.  This sits in my heart like a two sided coin, covered, obscuring their true faces, keeping me confused.

Huh?  What does that even mean?

Have you felt the lump?  The one that sits almost on top of your chest, as if to try to constrict your breathing or at least never let you forget it is there?

Perhaps that two sided coin is not what it seems?  Perhaps if uncovered I would discover an icosahedron, 20 sides laughing at me.

Did you wonder how your heart could be so full of light, love, happiness, but be near tears?

Have you ever seen Darkwing Duck?  It's funny.

Is laziness a disease to be fought?  A habit to be broken?  A quirk to be tolerated?

I like my red socks.

I don't type very well... and classes are simply frustrating me... but I'm trying.

My husband is the bestest ever, and I love him very much... even when he picks his computer over me.... lol

Pink is a good, solid, dependable colour.  With just enough daring to never be dull.

I want to spend money... buy things.... hmmm.... I wonder if that has a deeper meaning than consumerism and selfishness.

Happiness and contentment, satisfaction and coasting, hmmm.... do any of these build houses?

Nikki complains I don't post... I hope she likes this one.  I'm sure I'll figure out what it means.  Maybe I'll tell you when I know.  Or maybe not.

Me.

Hi Nikki!

It's late, my husband is whining (;) he's so cute) so all I'm gonna say is... Hello Nikki! See I made a post!

Promise I'll write a good one soon. 

Hmmm....

As I walked out of school yesterday, the first step out the door, I was hit in the face with the brisk smell of fall.  In that moment, in that one step I felt almost as if the poetry  of my soul was being called on by something.  God?  Mother Nature?  The Trees?  Whatever the thing that called, it made my soul shift a little in the center of myself.  It did not last long, nor did it leave me with any kind of calling to create or compose, but that one moment, hardly even longer than one breath, has given a sort of hope.

Hope?, you ask....

I was once very active in my church, and with the leaders of that church I grew in my faith in ways I had not believed possible.  Then in a period of time that seemed like the buildings in the city of my life crumbling to dust, I was hurt.  It is hard to explain just how deep this hurt went, and just how long(unknown to me) it would stay in my heart.  But it made me a little sad, and with that sadness (with the church, not with Jesus) came a sort of vacation from my faith.  Now I hear you asking, "how can you take a vacation from your faith?"  It's actually kind of easy.  Just focus all of your attention on the little things.  Shopping, work, housecleaning, reading, sleeping.... you get the idea.  Anyway, because of this vacation, I was beginning to wonder, how was I going to get back to my faith, when I was positive that I would no longer be comfortable worshiping where I was before, and had no idea where to go from there.  I missed the wrestling that I did every week a I took part in planing the worship services.  I missed steeping myself in the theme and word for the week, being part of that worship, but there were no places that I knew of where I could do that sort of thing.  I had kind of decided that I didn't need to go to a church to continue to be faithful, but I had nothing in place to keep me faithful.  So I just kept on with my vacation.

Then one day,  I realized that if I kept looking for the same thing I had before I would just simply continue to sit around. So...  As I stepped out the school and was hit by that 'something' it moved my soul, nudged it and said, open.  Open to the possibilities of worship in any and all places.  Open to the call in every part of the world, every part of your self.  It lasted, not much longer than a breath, but in that breath, hope.

So on sunday, I'm going to church with some people, not that place of old, that place is in the past, but trying out new stuff.  Opening my heart to the possibilities, to worship in everything, anywhere.

Phew.