Saviour Please

On Saturday my worship/study group got together to discuss the third chapter of the book that we are studying. Earlier that day my Dad had asked me if I had heard a song called "Saviour Please" by Josh Wilson. I didn't know until I heard it, and then I knew that I had been hearing it on the radio. Enough that I knew most of the words... But I had not actually thought about the words and the meaning before. The song then got stuck in my head. :) So Dad and I tried to do the song during the worship time Saturday night... We had not practised at all, neither of us was sure of the bridge and I had hastily put some slides together after dinner. But the song has stayed with me over the last day or so, so I thought I would take a moment to blog a little.

Firstly, here is the song...




The part that has stuck with me the most I think is the line in the chorus that says; "I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me." It is almost as if my heart has turned that line into a mantra. Stuck on repeat, it is a prayer that is continuous.

One of the things we talked about in worship one night, is about how we tend to make God smaller than He is so that we can 'manage' Him. And then, when the times of trouble, fear, or doubt come we forget that God is big enough to hold us, and hold all that comes with us. God is infinite, beyond even the wildest imagination, beyond any words known or unknown. When we limit God, we may feel more comfortable, we may even think we've got it all under control but there will come a time when that control will slip, and we will falter. How can we understand the might, the grace, the love, the compassion, the justice of God if we have made Him only as small as we can take or understand?

God is infinite... If we allow ourselves to bask in that awesome bigness. Allow ourselves to remember that He is bigger than us and anything that might be happening to us, there is a deep peace there. The world is full of many tests, hardships, victories, and hurts. But with God as our grounding place, as our centre, as our partner the moments of trial will be lessend and the times of love and victory sweetened.

I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me. Please continue to save me from myself. Remind me of your greatness, that I may never forget that you are bigger than any trouble I might find. Take my hand, and lead me on the path You have named mine. That I might be the light that points to You, so all may know Your love.


P.S. The book that we are reading together is "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan

P.P.S. I am totally stoked that I embedded my first video on this blog! (Aren't we getting hi-tech!) lol

What do I know? And other moments in life.

So I know it has been a gagillion years since I posted (intentional use of unspecific, made up, fake number) but in my own defense I have been very rarely on my computer since the beginning of September... and when I am on, it is to read the wit and intelligence shared by those I follow, as opposed to trying to replicate the awesome.... lol Anyway, now that the excuse portion of the post is behind us, I will enlighten you to the reason I have felt the call to blog.

Isn't it amazing how God places things in our life just as we need them? Or perhaps they have been present in our lives (or in the wider world) for many years, but you never noticed/were exposed to/thought of it in the same way as to make a difference in the here and now.

For example, when I was in grade 8 I participated in the Musical "Annie Get Your Gun" at school. Until that year I had no idea who or what Annie Oakley was, but in the weeks after starting the musical Annie Oakley seemed to be referenced in everything I saw...

Okay, so maybe that example didn't quite grasp what I mean.... So here is another example:

It was a mild early fall Wednesday night, the darkness was friendly and familiar as I drove the streets of Saanich to take my brother home. The evening had been lovely spent with my family (save my parents who are in Jamaica to celebrate their 30th anniversary) eating pizza and ice cream. Playing video games and being on the computer (a fairly common family pass time). My brother and I have a very interesting conversation concerning toy guns and whether children should be allowed to play with them. But then, as I drove back home in the quiet of the night, with only the radio and the street lights to keep me company (there may have been other motorists...lol) what should play on the radio but this song. It's "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road. As soon as it began to play, it was as if the world became as small as my car, and I heard my heart speaking the words as she sang them. That the song played at that moment, when I had nothing to distract from hearing it, in the darkness and quiet of the night when I feel the most 'receptive', I believe, is no cosmic coincidence. The Lord works quietly around and in our lives, and waits for a time when our hearts are the most receptive, to speak His love, to speak His plans, and to speak His word.

Now I am sure you are wondering what He spoke to me...

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

He said, "I see your doubts. I see into your very depths and know that you feel as if you know nothing at all."

I guess I thought that I had figured You out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

He said, "I see your gifts, I gave them to you. I see the possibilities and hope you offer to the world even when you do not. I am endlessly patient and will keep whispering my words until you hear."

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

He said, "You don't need to know it all. I know it all. And I will speak through you, love through you, hope and have faith through you. Open your heart to me and hear."

There is a part of me that fears God. Okay, maybe not God, but the deep change He is working in me even now. Even as I try to discover my calling I turn and run from God. The change he is working in me is one on the molecular level. I will be changed deeply, I can see glimpses even now. And my fear tells me to turn away. My fear tells me that life is easier/better/more fun without God, and yet I feel the calling keenly. Something is moving. I am afraid to look closely to find out what it is.

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

In the grand scheme of things I am but one grain of sand. But in God's Grand Scheme I have a more defined role. I pray I have the courage to find out what it is.

Well, Malcolm is here and so signals bedtime. Good night world, may you also have the courage to open our heart and hear the whispers in your heart. (They are probably important.)

Rambling along... join me?

I cannot say exactly the point of this blog update if only for for updates sake. I have been pretty consistent lately (actually made two posts within 2 weeks of each other!) and so wanted to continue the trend. So this post has no particular destination or direction... (this means trouble, I can tell...)

I have to admit that now, with the prospect of contributing to the income of this little twosome of a family come September, I am becoming much more settled in the stay-at-home-ness that is my life. It might help that I spent the majority of Sunday catching up on neglected laundry, and seem to actually be getting some definable chores accomplished. My living room area is now a lovely shade of 'Wild Blue Yonder' while the couple (nine-ish) blue marks on the ceiling bother me minimally. My kitchen (though while not at the moment) is clean and actually nice looking for the most part... Malcolm did make pie though today and I have yet to clean that up. (P.S. the pie is VERY yummy *be jealous* lol) These may seem like little non-monumental things, but for anyone that knows me you will recognize the amazing leap that is for this devout clutter-butt. There is definitely many more chores that need to be seen to (that I am ignoring by being on the computer...) but as my Mother told me recently, I have to be proud of all of these little achievements. And so I share these little things with you!

I was mentioning in my last post that I was feeling nervous and unsure about the calling God had for me, and whether I would be able to achieve this plan. We discussed about how if you allow yourself to offer every act of what you do in your life to God as a vessel for Him to work through you, then it becomes less about what the Big Awesome Scary God Plan is and more about the spirit in which you live your life. I was reading one of the days in my devotional the other day and it spoke about prayer... about how it can be frustrating if you treat prayer as the waiting for an answer from God... like waiting for your friend to answer a question. God does not always work in your life in obvious and outright ways. Sometimes the way the God works through you, is only apparent in hindsight. For example:

For a time after I had returned from Disneyland with my husband, and life returned to the 'daily grind' there was this insistent voice in my head urging me to find work... any employ at all really. The field of Dental Reception seemed to be out of my reach and honestly not the right fit... so while applying for those I turned to the retail industry to soften my fall. I applied many places (from my home computer, no hitting the pavement for this lazy-butt) and never received a reply. The most I got was one company getting hold of me to let me know that they could not actually read the file I sent with my resume. After some converting on my part, and them kindly letting me know they could open it, the front again became silent. Then during a casual conversation, the idea to take over the daycare for my Goddaughter took root. After researching this and making sure that I was able to do this and have my girlfriend still receive her subsidy, as well as not needing to jump through a thousand hoops to get some kind of license, the idea lay fallow for two weeks. Then it became a actually tangible reality... these next few weeks were spent in preparation of having a little one here, and of deciding if this was part of the path I had agreed to follow as a Christ follower.

Then a few days ago I received a phone call from the same lady at the company who asked for my resume in a different format. Apparently my resume had gone 'somewhere' for two months and just recently came across her desk. She called it an impressive resume, and that they would like to set up a meeting with me if I was still interested, etc. So feeling totally flattered I had to reply that I was, unfortunately unavailable. The thing is that if my resume had not gone to that 'somewhere' that it did, and they had ended up offering me a job at that point 2 months ago I would probably have taken it. And then this amazing opportunity of looking after, building a relationship with and being a presence of Christ for Danika would have possibly never come along! And honestly, I think that I would have been miserable in 3 months tops had I returned to retail. So there God was, quietly steering me away from something that was not in His plan for me.

So I am excited to be planning and learning and being a leader again. I am part of a small home Christ community that has much potential and much wonderful spirit. I will soon be spending copious amounts of time with my hellion of a Goddaughter and look forward to the adventures we will have. I also look forward to the opportunity to live up to my mantle of Godmother and be a presence of Christ in her life (and maybe that of her mother's along the way...)

And on another note entirely.... The cast of 'The Guild' has a music video that came out on iTunes today... it has also been posted to their YouTube channel... I think you all should watch it (especially if you are gamers, know gamers, or [in my case] are married to a gamer. Also if you like Felicia Day... you *might* like this... lol) So go here to see the video... and check out the first two seasons of 'The Guild' while you are there!

not bad for a ramble post... If I do say so myself!

i *less than three* you

R.

Time is sliding by...

I have no idea where the time has gone. It would seem that it has been only days since the summer began and yet here I sit staring at the fast approaching month of September. Since I became a bum that lives off my husband time seems to run together. There is no distinct distinction between days... I put off things "until tomorrow" and the next thing I know a week has passed and nothing has been resolved.

I am excited to say that I have finished the painting in my living room and have begun the fun that is rearranging furniture into the most usable configuration. I am quite happy with the color blue we chose and have to say that the mistakes don't really bother me at all. If they bother Malcolm, he has said nothing (shock) and probably knows that whatever he does point out will be added to His 'to do' rather than mine. lol

Perhaps I should mention, for those who don't know, that September is such a significant marker for me because that is when I will begin to look after my Goddaughter full-time. I am so excited about the opportunity to both create a close relationship with the lovely and rambunctious not-quite-two-year-old, and to have more of a chance to actually fulfill my role as GODmother and show her the wonders of a relationship with Jesus. I am honestly a little nervous under my excitement. I have no idea what I am doing. I have worked with and looked after children of most ages, but never for such a concentrated amount of time, and never without a theme or schedule already planned out for them. We have been busy around my place, cleaning (since I am not know for my tidiness) and child proofing as well as buying some great 'equipment'. A toddler bed for naps, a little tykes clubhouse/swing set for the yard, little table and chair set, sand box, baby monitor for nap times, toddler utensils and sippy cups, sidewalk chalk and some exciting ideas for crafts already. I think she will be the youngest child I have ever worked with and so I am not sure what kind of activities to plan. Mostly I am quite happily going by the seat of my pants (that's when I do my best work anyways.)

But on that front it is mostly preparation and learning as we go... So it is the other front of the storm that has me a little unsettled. I have been going weekly to talk with a pastor friend and she has been helping me to put words and intent to this God-gift in me. We have been recently talking about God showing me the big-picture plan He has for me, so that all my little baby steps can, at least in some way, be true to that goal. We have also been talking about what it means to surrender to God's plan and move forward with His purpose. Now, I have posted the little thingy I wrote about Surrender.... It is one thing to write something and to understand it in my head, and quite another to have it become part of my heart habits. There is definitely a fear in me that is making it hard to even acknowledge the questions in any tangible way. I know that part of that fear is the unknown of what this big-picture will be... What if I discover that I am simply unable, or not ready to achieve this plan that God has for me? Maybe the biggest is the idea that I will have to do even more "letting go of the tree" than I can do... I am a very...*coughhermitcough* ... Introverted person. Part of me wishes to be a social and effervescent personality but when I try (even with people I have know forever, or for whom I have a passionate awe and love for) I feel that hermit calling for me to return to the safety of my house, my kittens, my family and my quiet existence. There are so many times in my past when an opportunity to connect with people and to create new relationships has been hindered by the... what do I call it.... laziness? shyness? narcissism? Will this become a hindrance to my relationship with God? Is it wanting to meet Him on my terms? Is it being willing to risk only a part so to make for a quick retreat? Maybe it's the total lack of understanding that I have for this gift I am told I have. I don't see it. Maybe I don't want to see it.

So as always, I have to continually challenge myself to avoid retreating... News flash: This week is not going to be considered a banner week... I have retreated so far inside myself that I have completely avoided the topic even with myself. I have done nothing to address these fears or questions... And I have that sick/scared feeling when I think about my next meeting. Not because of what might be asked, but because of the answers that my pride fears will arise...

And so this lighthearted, catch up blog has once again turned into something else entirely. There must be something about sitting at a keyboard... Or it could be that the barriers are weak, it being 2:40 am... lol

So goodnight fair world, sleep well and may the dawn bring new light and strong currents of love.

i *less than three* you

R.

"Surrender"

On Saturday, a few folk got together in a friends house for some barbeque and some fellowship. I was asked to share and so spent some time a wrote this. For those who were there on Saturday, the first part you have heard as it is what I read that night. But be sure to stay tuned for the second part, which I didn't read out that night and would like to share. I welcome any comment and invite anyone who would like to, to share their story or wonderings about surrender. (This is dated July 31, 2009 and so this is the day I refer to in the writing.)

“Surrender”

There is something both amazingly peaceful and supremely frightening about that word. Part of me thinks that giving up responsibility would be amazing. How much time in the day do I use up just making choices and decisions? How wonderful would it be to give that up? Part of me thinks that giving over control is the most horrifying thing a person could ever do. How many times have our role models or heroes shouted, “Never give up! Never Surrender!”? There is a fear of surrendering because surrendering to another, being vulnerable to someone else opens us up to the possibility of being hurt or taken advantage of.

Surrendering to God’s control is much more peaceful and just as frightening, but for different reasons. The fear comes from a place that tells us we are not worthy. We fear completely opening ourselves to God in case He hadn’t noticed before this secret inadequacy of character and drive we have so carefully buried deep inside. We have been hiding from ourselves the places of brokenness and to lay them open before God means that we must also confront them, and there is the real fear. Saying we don’t feel a certain way anymore, or won’t be a certain way anymore has no power unless we ask for God’s help. And I don’t mean in the way of surrendering every responsibility and decision to God. God won’t start making your choices for you after you have surrendered the reins of your life to him. Surrendering your whole self to God allows for you to be guided in the path He has set out for you. The choices (to no longer surrender, to ignore His guidance, or to follow His will) are still ours to make. God desires for us, His children, to reach the full potential and to use the gifts that he has given us to be lights of Christ in the world. And while we cannot accomplish that on our own, we need God’s help, so too does God need us to open ourselves completely to Him for the goal to be attained. The Peace comes from the relationship with Jesus, the peace comes from the knowledge that we are God’s children, loved and cared for completely. Enveloped in His caring once we surrender all that we are into His hands.

But HOW? I hear those words echo as I write. Is it only my heart that calls out these words, do others feel the same? How do I overcome my fear and trepidation and surrender wholly and completely to God? Where do I even begin?

Begin where everything begins. A prayer. Pray, wonder, ask for God’s help, then remember. Remember the things that you forgot you knew... That there is no inadequacy of character or drive, there is no brokenness that is too much for the cross to bear. For that is where surrender begins. With the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross so that we might give over our burdens and brokenness, and live open and surrendered to the love and control of God. I don’t mean that we have to die, literally. But that we must die to the life we are living now, die to the brokenness that holds us separate from God and rise in surrender to His great Majesty and love. (We do not live to ourselves, and we do not die to ourselves. If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. For to this end Christ died and lived again, so that he might be Lord of both the dead and the living. Romans 14: 7-9) It is not what I have done, it is not what I will do that makes me worthy. But simply that I am Yours and you have made me in your image.

And so we pray,

Dearest Creator,

You have created us all with great things in mind. You have given us many gifts and much of yourself so that we might live a meaningful life. But we find it hard to surrender our lives to you. We fear the vulnerability and brokenness in our hearts, and so we fear surrendering to you. But in your immense wisdom you have shown us the way to you. You sent Jesus to us, so that He might be a guide for us. So now we need only courage and strength. Courage to open ourselves to you, knowing we will confront our brokenness, and the strength to lay it at the foot of the cross so we might rise again as messengers of your love to this world. Help us to keep Jesus and His sacrifice in our hearts, to keep that knowledge and guide with us every day. Help us to know that this is a journey, not a destination to see and forget. We are a new creation, we leave the old behind, the brokenness, the fear, and we embrace You, surrender to Your will knowing you will care and guide with infinite love.

This next part is the part I did not share on Saturday:

I speak of this all as if it wasn’t an epiphany that struck me only today, a remembering of something my soul already knew, but that my mind had yet to understand. But to be honest I haven’t quite reached that place of surrender. The fear, the vulnerability and brokenness still grip me as I wrestle with imagined and well rooted inadequacies. Like Jeremiah, when the Lord called on him to begin his work as a prophet I say; “Truly I do not know how to speak, for I am only a girl.” But the Lord created me. He knew every one of my days before I was born, and he has bestowed his gifts upon me. As it says in the Psalm, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made”, and His works are wonderful. I have to remember to lay my fears at the foot of the cross, I have to remember that even though it is scary, in the end there is nothing but peace in surrendering. I know the fear that I have comes from a fear of failing, a fear that I will not be able to accomplish the task that God will ask of me. I know this, and yet I fear letting these go just as much as keeping them. They have become so much a part of who I am, who will I be if I lay them down? Who am I becoming as I walk this path? Only God has the answers, and I must open myself to them. Would you pray with me?

Loving God,

Everything you have made is glorious. I am one of those creations. Hold me close, Lord. I open my heart and life to your direction. Whisper your orders into my heart, and help me find the strength to listen well. I lay at the cross my fears. Fear of being laughed at, fear of missteps, fear of losing, fear of not achieving that which you have planned for me, fear of the unknown and fear that in the end I will fail and will be a disappointment. Take these from me, and pour into me your spirit. Amen.

In the silence of the night...

Have you ever wondered how it is you could be so lucky to have found the person in whom all of your love is personified, or how amazing it is that they seem to think the same of you?

My husband is an awesomely wonderful person. I find in him my best friend as well as the man who will be an amazing father. I find in him the one who not only puts up with my idiosyncrasies but loves me for them. I find in him a compassionate, intelligent, funny and sweet companion, strong and silent, with his own little quirks for which I tease him to no end but which are also a few of the infinite reasons I love him.

There are moments or days when one or two of those quirks blind me to the fact that they really are cute... Nights when I eat dinner alone because he is playing WOW, times in the car when I lose my conversation partner because he has fallen asleep... But then, I am sure that he has those same moments with me... (For taking the teasing a little too far, for being crabby, or for thinking that the silence is him ignoring me as opposed to my patient, thoughtful husband taking his time to answer...) But then at the end of the day we go to bed. The lights are turned off a hug and a kiss (and he falls asleep in minutes.. lol) and as I lay in the dark, waiting for sleep to take me into it's restful waves, I listen to the light (or sometimes not so light) breathing next to me and I feel like the Grinch might have as his heart expanded 10 times it's size. I can't believe ever loving him more... and yet it seems that at the end of every day I do.

As with every couple (every person) we will have our off days. We will have our disagreements and petty grievances... but I know that at the end of that day, when we head off to bed, there will be hugs and kisses and then the quiet breathing in the dark.

I do not know what I did in my life that warranted God gracing me with the love of this man, but I am forever grateful for it. And I guess I will be spending the rest of my life (may it be long, God willing) trying to be worthy of it. I relish the possibilities, the every days, and the love that will continue between us until the end.

• But Ruth said, "Do not press me to leave you or to turn back from following you! Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God.

• Where you die, I will die? there will I be buried. May the Lord do thus and so to me, and more as well, if even death parts me from you!"

-Ruth 1: 16-17 New Revised Standard

Following that path... you know, that one.

As I have mentioned in the past, I was very involved in the United Church of Canada for a couple of years.  I mean, I grew up in a UC congregation... I did my time in the Children's and Adult Choirs as well as being Sunday school teacher/coordinator over the years since I was 15.  I even began to work as the visual/sound tech person, but starting in January of  2005 I began to learn and grow more in my faith through UCC courses and places.  I took part in a year-long Certificate Program that was supported by the UCC and Naramata Centre to help give Youth Leaders a base in faith and leadership to help them with their Youth Groups.  Soon After that was done, (the same weekend actually..) I took part in a community living program in January 2006 held by the Naramata Centre, which was more a self-learning... but there was a faith-base due to where we were living.  Then that summer of 2006 I was on staff at Naramata Centre as a youth and children staff member.  When I returned to my little UCC congregation I began to help plan the theme and music of the church services, as well as being a member of the "governing" body and continuing tech support as well as trying to start a Youth Group (no go there....)  This continued until the beginning of 2008 when my impending marriage and schooling and to be honest, a feeling of hurt and confusion made me rethink my involvement in the UCC.

So now that you have a bit of my church-life resume... 

After returning home from Summer Staff at Naramata, my minister who I worked closely with believed that I had the gift to work in the church.  And while I enjoyed the job I had at the church and enjoyed the learning and growing I was doing there was a part of me that thought she was a little bit nutty. (But in a totally lovable way ;P )  And so with life continuing to simply move forward with no regard to my feelings of insecurity and fear, I went to school.

I have finished my course in Dental Office Reception, I was on the Dean's Honor roll both terms, and actually really enjoyed learning new things.  The reason for beginning school was to give me the tools to have a "stable" and "grown up" career so that my husband and I could start a family within the next few years.  But even before I finished the course, I admit to feeling a bit like this was not actually the job for me.  Don't get me wrong, I could do the job, and be quite good at it I think... but there was something missing...

I have been feeling bad lately for not having a job 3 months after graduating and returning from our anniversary trip to Disneyland....  Part of me is angry that I won't even be given a chance to show my ability to do the job, while part of me takes this as a sign that I am not meant to continue in that field... but what?

My mother and I have monthly lunches with our minister, who happens to have become a very good friend over the years, and she has talked to me (just planting seeds) about my "gift" of speaking the word... of my "gift" of leadership in worship...  And while it brings to mind conversations we had in those months after Naramata, something has changed in my heart to make it also different.  The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" may be in effect or perhaps the changes over the last year and the growing up I might have done in that time have changed my outlook.  You see, I always thought that only other people get to work at a job that is also what they are passionate about.  I figured that whatever involvement in the church, or in any faith community I would have would be in spare time while I worked a "regular" job.

But this friend and I have been talking about the possibility that I am good at/passionate about worship leadership and faith because that is what God is calling me to do.  So I am starting to think a little differently... I don't know what this looks like as a big picture, or have any idea what I am doing... and while that scares the crap out of me... I am also totally excited.  There is a rightness in this that is frightening.  Over the last months I have been feeling like an unproductive, and useless individual, with no idea what it is that I should/would/could or want to be doing.  But in the last week, I have been feeling less like that, and more like there is a bigger purpose.  That I just need to surrender the fear and plans and wonderings to God and He will reveal to me what His work for me is.  I have never been this purposeful in my faith... it has been something that was important, but also a side bet.  I prayed and listened for God... but only when it suited my plan, my time, my stuff.  So I feel a little out of my league... while at the same time, trust that God will give me the strength and the answers I am meant to have.  This may not be what I had in mind even one year ago... but there is a rightness to it all that tells me it has been what God had in mind the whole time.  He was just waiting for me to listen up.

So here I am, listening.  Speak to me Lord.  Let me know what it is you plan for me.  Or, at least show me the next step, so I might fulfill this plan you have for me.  And give me the strength and the courage to make it through.

So while I don't really know what I am doing, and there is residual guilt for not contributing financially to my little household, I still feel like I am headed in the right direction.  The work I have to do now, is to spend purposeful time with God.  Open my heart and mind to every possibility, and keep my ears and eyes open.  While thanking God everyday for the support of my Husband, my Family, and my good friend who helps me to learn what possibilities there are.  And to Jesus, who walks every day with me as I learn more about my place in this faith journey.