In the silence of the night...

Have you ever wondered how it is you could be so lucky to have found the person in whom all of your love is personified, or how amazing it is that they seem to think the same of you?

My husband is an awesomely wonderful person. I find in him my best friend as well as the man who will be an amazing father. I find in him the one who not only puts up with my idiosyncrasies but loves me for them. I find in him a compassionate, intelligent, funny and sweet companion, strong and silent, with his own little quirks for which I tease him to no end but which are also a few of the infinite reasons I love him.

There are moments or days when one or two of those quirks blind me to the fact that they really are cute... Nights when I eat dinner alone because he is playing WOW, times in the car when I lose my conversation partner because he has fallen asleep... But then, I am sure that he has those same moments with me... (For taking the teasing a little too far, for being crabby, or for thinking that the silence is him ignoring me as opposed to my patient, thoughtful husband taking his time to answer...) But then at the end of the day we go to bed. The lights are turned off a hug and a kiss (and he falls asleep in minutes.. lol) and as I lay in the dark, waiting for sleep to take me into it's restful waves, I listen to the light (or sometimes not so light) breathing next to me and I feel like the Grinch might have as his heart expanded 10 times it's size. I can't believe ever loving him more... and yet it seems that at the end of every day I do.

As with every couple (every person) we will have our off days. We will have our disagreements and petty grievances... but I know that at the end of that day, when we head off to bed, there will be hugs and kisses and then the quiet breathing in the dark.

I do not know what I did in my life that warranted God gracing me with the love of this man, but I am forever grateful for it. And I guess I will be spending the rest of my life (may it be long, God willing) trying to be worthy of it. I relish the possibilities, the every days, and the love that will continue between us until the end.

• But Ruth said, "Do not press me to leave you or to turn back from following you! Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God.

• Where you die, I will die? there will I be buried. May the Lord do thus and so to me, and more as well, if even death parts me from you!"

-Ruth 1: 16-17 New Revised Standard

Following that path... you know, that one.

As I have mentioned in the past, I was very involved in the United Church of Canada for a couple of years.  I mean, I grew up in a UC congregation... I did my time in the Children's and Adult Choirs as well as being Sunday school teacher/coordinator over the years since I was 15.  I even began to work as the visual/sound tech person, but starting in January of  2005 I began to learn and grow more in my faith through UCC courses and places.  I took part in a year-long Certificate Program that was supported by the UCC and Naramata Centre to help give Youth Leaders a base in faith and leadership to help them with their Youth Groups.  Soon After that was done, (the same weekend actually..) I took part in a community living program in January 2006 held by the Naramata Centre, which was more a self-learning... but there was a faith-base due to where we were living.  Then that summer of 2006 I was on staff at Naramata Centre as a youth and children staff member.  When I returned to my little UCC congregation I began to help plan the theme and music of the church services, as well as being a member of the "governing" body and continuing tech support as well as trying to start a Youth Group (no go there....)  This continued until the beginning of 2008 when my impending marriage and schooling and to be honest, a feeling of hurt and confusion made me rethink my involvement in the UCC.

So now that you have a bit of my church-life resume... 

After returning home from Summer Staff at Naramata, my minister who I worked closely with believed that I had the gift to work in the church.  And while I enjoyed the job I had at the church and enjoyed the learning and growing I was doing there was a part of me that thought she was a little bit nutty. (But in a totally lovable way ;P )  And so with life continuing to simply move forward with no regard to my feelings of insecurity and fear, I went to school.

I have finished my course in Dental Office Reception, I was on the Dean's Honor roll both terms, and actually really enjoyed learning new things.  The reason for beginning school was to give me the tools to have a "stable" and "grown up" career so that my husband and I could start a family within the next few years.  But even before I finished the course, I admit to feeling a bit like this was not actually the job for me.  Don't get me wrong, I could do the job, and be quite good at it I think... but there was something missing...

I have been feeling bad lately for not having a job 3 months after graduating and returning from our anniversary trip to Disneyland....  Part of me is angry that I won't even be given a chance to show my ability to do the job, while part of me takes this as a sign that I am not meant to continue in that field... but what?

My mother and I have monthly lunches with our minister, who happens to have become a very good friend over the years, and she has talked to me (just planting seeds) about my "gift" of speaking the word... of my "gift" of leadership in worship...  And while it brings to mind conversations we had in those months after Naramata, something has changed in my heart to make it also different.  The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" may be in effect or perhaps the changes over the last year and the growing up I might have done in that time have changed my outlook.  You see, I always thought that only other people get to work at a job that is also what they are passionate about.  I figured that whatever involvement in the church, or in any faith community I would have would be in spare time while I worked a "regular" job.

But this friend and I have been talking about the possibility that I am good at/passionate about worship leadership and faith because that is what God is calling me to do.  So I am starting to think a little differently... I don't know what this looks like as a big picture, or have any idea what I am doing... and while that scares the crap out of me... I am also totally excited.  There is a rightness in this that is frightening.  Over the last months I have been feeling like an unproductive, and useless individual, with no idea what it is that I should/would/could or want to be doing.  But in the last week, I have been feeling less like that, and more like there is a bigger purpose.  That I just need to surrender the fear and plans and wonderings to God and He will reveal to me what His work for me is.  I have never been this purposeful in my faith... it has been something that was important, but also a side bet.  I prayed and listened for God... but only when it suited my plan, my time, my stuff.  So I feel a little out of my league... while at the same time, trust that God will give me the strength and the answers I am meant to have.  This may not be what I had in mind even one year ago... but there is a rightness to it all that tells me it has been what God had in mind the whole time.  He was just waiting for me to listen up.

So here I am, listening.  Speak to me Lord.  Let me know what it is you plan for me.  Or, at least show me the next step, so I might fulfill this plan you have for me.  And give me the strength and the courage to make it through.

So while I don't really know what I am doing, and there is residual guilt for not contributing financially to my little household, I still feel like I am headed in the right direction.  The work I have to do now, is to spend purposeful time with God.  Open my heart and mind to every possibility, and keep my ears and eyes open.  While thanking God everyday for the support of my Husband, my Family, and my good friend who helps me to learn what possibilities there are.  And to Jesus, who walks every day with me as I learn more about my place in this faith journey.

Fighting Temptation....

Over the last few weeks, in order to spend time as a resting place for my new kitties, I have been spending a significant time on my couch channel surfing.  Mostly I have been finding movies to watch... and yesterday was no different.  My sister was on the couch with me and we stumbled upon the movie "The Fighting Temptations".  While the story line is... well predictable... the music and singing talent in the movie more than makes up for it.  I had a great time watching it and listening to the songs.

One of the songs (not the only one I will say...) that gave me chills is called, "He still loves me".  (You can watch the video from the movie here.) And here are the lyrics...

[Eddie Levert]
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Na, Na, Na
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Dun, Na
(Come On)
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Na, Na, Na
(Heyyyyy)
Dun, Dun, Dun
Dun, Na, Dun, Na

[Walter Williams]
Took me a while, but i'm finally here
So just wanna testify, make it crystal clear
(Take Ya Time)
See I've been picked out, to be picked on
Talked about out my friend's mouth
I've been beat down, til' he turned my life around
(Turned my life around)

[Chorus: Walter Williams]
Seems like I always fall short of being worthy
Cuz I ain't good enough, but he still loves me (Yeah)
I ain't no superstar, spotlight ain't shinin' on me (No, No, No, No, No)
Cuz I ain't good enough,(no) but he still loves me
(Loves Me!)

[Beyonce]
I used to, wake up somedays, and wished I had stayed asleep
Cuz I went to bed on top of the world, today the world's on top of me
Now everybody's got opinions (They Share)
They ain't been in my position (They Don't Care)
And it breaks my heart when I hear 
what they have to say about me
(What they say about you)

[Chorus: All]
seems like I always fall short (Fallin short)
of bein worthy (Lord I aint worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough (no no)
but he still loves me (But you still love me Lord)
I aint no superstar ( I aint no superstar, I wanne be for you)
I wanna be for you
The spotlight aint shinin on me 
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me ( But he still loves me, me, me, me, me)


I'm not perfect (I'm not perfect no, no ,no)
Yes I do wrong (Yes I do wrong)
I'm trying my best (Trying my best)
But It aint good enough (Just ain't good enough)
Shunned by the world (I'm shunned by the world, world, world, world)
If I don't succeed (If I dont succeed-cee-cee-ceed)
Cuz I aint good enough (I ain't good enough)
But he still loves me (I aint good enough)
Lord i aint worthy

[Bridge: Angie Stone, Beyonce, Choir]
If you ain't worth just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand
That we are all so blessed to be loved....loved
Stand for him and fall for anything
Cuz through his eyes we all look the same
What will we do, without blame

[Chorus: All]
feels like we always fallin' short
of being worthy (We are not worthy, no)
Cuz I ain't good enough,(no) but he still loves me (I ain't good enough, I ain't good enough)
I ain't no superstar,(I ain't no superstar)
the spotlight ain't shinin' on me (But I wanna be for you Lord)
Cuz I ain't good enough, but he still loves me (no, but u still love me, me, me)

I'm not perfect (I'm not perfect, no, no, no)
Yes I do wrong (Yes I do wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong)
I'm trying my best (Trying my best)
But It aint good enough (I ain't good enough) (Oh No!)
Shunned by the world (Shunned by the world, world, world, world)
If I don't succeed (If I dont succeed,cee-cee-ceed)
Cuz I aint good enough (I ain't good enough)
But he still loves me (Just ain't good enough, would y'all sing with me)

I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong (If you understand me sing with me)
I'm trying my best
But It aint good enough (But the Lord is so good to me)
Shunned by the world (if you shunned by the world, world, world )
If I don't succeed (Shunned by the world)
Cuz I aint good enough (I ain't good enough)
But he still loves me (But the Lord still loves me)

No I ain't good enough (No, No, No, No)
But he still loves me (Raise your hands if you understand)
No I ain't good enough (How he blesses you, cuz he blessed me too)
But he still loves me (Even though I ain't worthy)
No I aint good enough (You ain't worthy, he's there for you)
But he stil loves me (No matter what I do)
No I aint good enough (I ain't good enooooooooough)
But he stil loves.....me (But the Lord still loves...me)

There is something about gospel.... I can never really explain what it is...

God has a plan for us... A path that leads us to be our best selves, the self that uses our god-given gifts to shine the light of Christ in the world, and to praise our God.  That path is not a black and white type of path where when you are lost or take a wrong turn, there is no getting back on track.  This path is paved with love and sacrifice... Jesus' death on the cross ensures that no matter where we end up on our path, we have only to turn to Jesus, and He will guide us back to where we belong.  There is something freeing about the knowledge that even though we mess up and even though we don't quite make the best choices, or act in the best way, we are still loved, and we still have that opportunity to become our best selves.  Become the selves that God has envisioned and equipped us to be.

Some lessons take a while to learn... so I suggest you put this song on repeat. *grin*  Then take a deep breath.... and sing along at the top of your lungs.  Trust me.  It'll do your soul good. (And God loves to be serenaded.)

Good night.  God bless.

xoxo

Renée.

Sunday Morning (afternoon... lol) Thoughts

My family and I have not been attending church lately because of the feeling that something doesn't quite fit with us at the church we had been attending.  The joke is that it's my job to write a sermon for Sunday so that we don't miss anything by not going to church.  And since my sister has been reminding me that is has been awhile since I updated, I decided to do just that. :) 

There is a song that plays on the christian radio that makes me turn it up loud and belt it out. (well the chorus anyway, I'm not 100% on the lyrics of the verse... lol)  Mostly I do this because I think it's fun to sing the chorus, but also I like the words.  But every time I do this, without fail, by the second time the chorus comes around I have goosebumps and and I tear up a little.  I thought that maybe this deserved a little digging.  So here are the lyrics of the chorus so we can all be on the same page:

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

There is something about belting out these words that is so neat.  But what is it that touches me to the point of tears?  Or maybe the question what part of me is touched as to move me to tears? 

There have been times in the last little while that I was beginning to wonder where my faith stood.  How does the world know that I am a follower of Christ.  In what way am I being a beacon of his light in the world?  I don't really have answers to that yet.  But this song I think touches the part of me that lives in that place of faith.  I have always been firmly connected in my faith to the act of enormous love that Jesus, our Saviour, performed for us.  There is something about having someone love you so much that they would die in order to allow you to live and be forgiven.  Because of my Saviour, I am forgiven for the mistakes and sins I have.  But it is more than that.  Before I knew my saviour, there was a dimness to the world.  I don't know how to describe it past that.  My heart hurt from the petty things people did, for the fact that we cannot trust that folks are truthful, the world was colored by these things and I could not see the light.  But since truly acknowledging the place that Jesus occupies in my heart, and in my soul, there is a brightness I had missed.  The path on the journey of faith is not always straightforward.  Not because Jesus doesn't give us good directions, but because sometimes we forget.  We forget that we are his light, and allow our hurt and confusion tint our actions.  We forget that we need only to ask, and Jesus is there.  My Savior is eternal.  My Saviour is with me always.  Giving me a tether to my faith, providing a solid rock on which to weather any storms.  I may not always act like the light to world I wish to be.  But the daily reminder of what My Saviour did for me helps to keep on the path.  

So maybe you don't know what I mean.  Maybe you think I'm a little silly to believe in something that cannot be "seen" or "felt".  But since My Savior entered my heart, I see and feel every day Him working in the world.  

I'm not sure if any of this is what it should be.  But it is what it is.  Enjoy.

My Savior My God :
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior 

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior 

Chorus (2x's) 
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x's) 

(Instrumental)

Chorus: (2x's)

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior loves, My Savior lives 

To see a video of the song, go here.

I will boast... cause I'm cool, y'a know.

My Dad bought a new CD from the Christian Book and Music store and he is always kind enough to let me have a listen, there were a few songs that I had not heard before and one of them really got me thinking.  It's called "I Will Boast" and on the CD it is performed by Phillips, Craig and Dean but while looking up the lyrics, I found that it was by Paul Baloche...  Anyway, first here are the lyrics:

I will boast

Paul Baloche

(click here for a video of the song)

Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom
Or the strong man boast in his strength
Let not the rich man boast in his riches
But let the hum- ble come and give thanks
To the One who made us, the One who saved us

CHORUS
I will boast in the Lord my God
I will boast in the One Who's worthy
I will boast in the Lord my God
I will boast in the One Who's worthy, He's wor- thy

Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom
Or the strong man boast in his strength
Let not the rich man boast in his rich- es
But let the hum- ble come and give thanks
To the One who made us, the One who saved us

CHORUS
I will boast in the Lord my God
I will boast in the One Who's worthy
I will boast in the Lord my God
(1st ending)
I will boast in the One Who's worthy
(Repeat Chorus)
(2nd ending)
I will boast in the One Who's worthy, He's worthy

INSTRUMENTAL

BRIDGE

I will make my boast in Christ alone
I will make my boast in Christ alone
(Repeat twice)

CHORUS
I will boast in the Lord my God
I will boast in the One Who's worthy
I will boast in the Lord my God
(1st & 2nd ending)
I will boast in the One Who's worthy
(Repeat Chorus)
(3rd ending)
I will boast in the One Who's worthy, He's worthy
He's wor- thy

I started to write this whole big thing about boasting, and acknowledging God, and the spirit in which we do things... It was at least 3 or 4 paragraphs when I realized... That was not really what God wanted me to say.  It felt wrong somehow... It wasn't flowing...  And then I realized, I really only have to say one thing.

Thank You Jesus.

From Jesus' sacrifice for us on the cross, to God bestowing on us the gifts we require I have been fully and wholly blessed.  My life is a journey with all the ups and downs, but I will say it has been mostly ups.  I have been gifted with a loving family, a fantastic husband, a few good friends, a lot of awesome people, and a selection of talents and gifts to get me through.  All of this I would not have but for Jesus.  All of this I would not appreciate as wholly if not for God.  On my journey of faith I have learned how amazing each day is.  That the Lord works in ways so innocuous we hardly notice His direction.  And that I do not praise Him near enough for all I have been given.

So I will be one of the humble.  I will come and give thanks to the one who made me, who saved me, the one who is worthy of all thanks and praise.  I will boast not of myself alone, but of myself as a vessel of  the One God.  I will boast of Christ.  I do not do this by standing on a rooftop and screaming my faith to those below.  I do this by living each day as a follower of Christ.  I do this by struggling to be my best self and centering my life in faith.  I do this by thanking God  for the gifts I have been given, and using them for His glory.

I do not use the word struggle without cause, for I am still early on this journey of faith, and it is a struggle at times to keep Christ at my center.  But it is by this struggle that we move forward on our journey.  So I listen to songs like "I Will Boast"  that keep me thinking and keep me focused.  That remind me.

Thank You Jesus.

Good night.

P.S. Check out my Dad's blogs: Chris' Musings and Christian Life and Work he's pretty cool and you can check out the song he's posted. :)

Today I found myself thinking about labels...  I can't really put my finger on what started this train of thought, but you lucky people get to listen into it! (or read, for those more literally minded...) lol

As a people we are obsessed with labels.  Perhaps it is the organizational application that is the draw... There is something to be said for "Everything having a place, and everything in it's place."  Or maybe it's the feeling that we will understand someone better if we have them neatly labeled and categorized.

As individuals, I believe there is a distinct dichotomy in how we feel about them.  On one side, our individuality and uniqueness is important to us making labels the "enemy" to be argued and denied.  On the other side, unlike magnets where opposites attract, as social creatures we are drawn to people with whom we have a connection. Or we look for something in common from which a connection can be made.  In this case labels help us to quickly choose those people with whom to spend time.

I think where most people find the fear of labels is in that first point of individuals.  With so many people around us, there is a deep seeded need to be different, to feel unique.  The thought that our uniqueness can be stolen from us by one little word is terrifying.  Goth, emo, straight, gay, lesbian, white, black, blonde, cute, and the list goes on... these labels are attempts to categorize... but I think that it isn't the label itself that holds the fear... It's when we attach the word 'only'.

"Oh him? He's only a goth...."

"What do you expect, she's only a blonde"

The fear is that that word 'only' suddenly makes it seem as if whatever you are... some choice you have made, or something you can't change (genes...)... is not good enough.  There is a demoralizing tone to someone saying "only".  The feeling is of being flick off a sleeve like lint.  Not worthy of consideration, of being given the chance to show your fully rounded personality.  A personality that is made up of many things, many facets.  We are not just one thing, we are complicated and always growing and learning and becoming 'more' than what we were...

Which is why I don't understand the phrase, "Only Human."  The idea is to say that humans are basically flawed, and therefore it is no surprise if something goes wrong.  But isn't that just as bad as saying that people who are blonde are not intelligent?  Now I do understand that as a race we are indeed not perfect.  Mistakes are made.  But is this because as Humans we are basically and irreversibly unable to be better? I believe that we are learning, and that as a race, as a world, we are still needing to grow up a little.  God made us in His image.  We aren't perfect, but not because we don't have the ability to be so... It's because we are still learning.  Just as we give second chances to children who make mistakes, so must we do with our whole race.  Understand that we are still learning to follow Christ and have to work at it everyday.  Understand that while we may not be perfect, Human means: hope, possibilities, striving for excellence, learning, bettering ourselves and becoming 'more'.

I'm sure you are familiar with the expression; "Labels are for tin cans, not for people."  I think labels become a bad thing when they are used to limit a person.  I think labels are bad when they are used to demoralize or degrade someone.  I think labels are bad when they are used to make stereotypical assumptions about an individual or group...

But I will admit to being excited about labels with positive connotations... Here are the ones that are most important to me:  Wife, Daughter, Sister, Christ follower, Seeker.

I am more than any single one of those, and still more than all of them together...  As I am sure anyone can say.  But what is most important is to remember that I am a loved, cherished, unique child of God.  And so I sign off with two things...

1. Please, if any of this makes sense, doesn't make sense, or you have anything to add... do!

2. This is a snippet of the chorus of a song by David Crowder Band... check it out

You make everything glorious

And I am Yours
What does that make me?

God bless and goodnight!

Well so much for that idea

I meant to keep up the good work with 4 and 5 blogs in as many days... But then life decided to be interesting and give me no time to write.  I decided to spend time with my husband and family instead... I hope you will forgive me. lol

The fact that I have not had time to write does not mean that I have not thought about it.  In fact it seems that there are moments in the day when what I am experiencing sparks an idea for a post and I begin to compose in my head.  This happened just the other day when exiting Wal-Mart with my Mom.  It had begun to rain, no hard, but enough to begin to soak the ground.  Do you know that scent that comes when pavement is wet and the world is heavy with rain?  There is something about that smell that is both intoxicating and gross.  I love it and dislike it all at once, creating a confusion I cannot solve.  It seems to me that maybe it is merely the scent of rain that I find so intoxicating and the smell of wet pavement is what turns me off, but that rings false in my mind.  Maybe it is the grease and more that is on the pavement that lends to the wrong part of the smell.  But anyway, I was brought back to a time at Winter Session when in the dead of night, through the pouring rain my friend Nicole and I went for a walk.  To escape tension in the "house" and to talk through where we found ourselves in it.  One of the things I adore about Naramata is that at night it is dark.  There is no need for street lamps as everything is closed and so the street lamps are few.  It is a quiet and peaceful type of darkness, with the lake nearby and the orchards and village all around.  And so, in the quiet, peaceful, rainy dark, we walked and talked and got soaking wet.  It was a good time.  I used to love it when it rained at our place in View Royal.  The room that I shared with my sister until my brother moved out looked out over the garage roof.  The rain made a wonderful sound as it hit the roof.  I used to climb out the window and sit on the window sill smelling, and listening and drinking in the moment.  (That is until Mom put a screen over the window...lol)  Sometimes I wold sneak downstairs and out the front door to sit.  But without fail you would find my window open.  Sometimes even in the dead of winter, at least for a little while.  If there is one thing I miss now that I  live on the main floor of a two storey home, it's the sound of the rain against the roof, and my perch on the sill overlooking the quiet complex.

Well I have to run, gotta drive my sis to class.

Be well.