My yearly update....

I have been reminded very gently by my family that it has been long enough without a post and that I should update.  :)
This is probably something other people experience, but with the breadth of quality blogs out there for people to read it seems almost indecent for me to put my inane ramblings out into the void. lol I would love to write more consistently, but it is obviously not my passion since there is always something "better" to do with my time. (And you wonder why my house still doesn't get cleaned...)

I have now been working at my store for about a year and a half, and just recently (as in Tuesday...) got a full-time position there in the frame shop. So yay!

My husband has developed a passion for golf and I spend every Monday hanging out while he has his lesson and every weekend watching it on TV. I never knew my husband to get out of bed early on his days off until he took up golf! :)

I have just finished reading a pretty awesome book, penned by one of those quality bloggers I mentioned at the top, and recommend you check it out (both the book and the blog.) It is called: "Let's Pretend this Never Happened: A mostly true memoir" by Jenny Lawson, also know as The Bloggess. (Find it on Amazon here.) Not only is the book a wonderful read, but Jenny is a fabulous lady, and I dare you not to be moved, offended, tickled and totally in love with her by the end. She makes me #FuriouslyHappy.

There have not been a whole lot of milestones in my life in the last year and I never have been one with a very good memory (as my siblings will attest,) so I find it hard to feel interesting enough to have a whole blog post to write... My hubby and I will be celebrating 4 years married next month, we are taking a road trip to his Grandparents house in Kingston in July, and I wait with baited breath for the PAX Prime attendee ticket server to be fixed so I can buy two 3-day passes.  I am on Twitter, but mostly watch, in that socially acceptable stalker-like way I have, and am a little in love with Pinterest. I would love to start having babies, and am trying to clean my house in spite of my chronic laziness, and miss having that one day a week when my sister and I would hang out. All in all I am a painfully average girl just trying to be a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good employee and a good human being in beautiful Victoria.

I dearly wish for your day to be filled with smiles and laughter,
Me.



P.S. Here are some other things that keep me too busy to clean house:
Wil Wheaton had a blog!
Geek and Sundry, I love the Flog!
Cyanide and Happiness, I feel like I need to warn you that the humour here is... not my Mom's humour.
I am on Pinterest!
Follow me on Twitter, you know, if you want.... I don't tweet much.... but I'm good company. ;)

Also you should watch this love it too! lol 

What has she been up to??

Wow, it certainly has been a fabulously long time since I wrote anything here. Funnily enough, it seems that my life practically come full circle since this time last year. My beautiful and clever Goddaughter has come back to town in, I think, a brilliant move by her Mother and I have the exciting job of looking after her again. have also been working at Michaels craft store since, soon after my last post, October.  I am finding my days busy but so far not unpleasantly so.  Tomorrow is my 26th birthday and I have been spoiled rotten already by my fabulous family and get to continue to be since my entire family is coming out with me tomorrow to Karaoke!!! And that includes my non-singing, slightly anti-social husband. :) (He is soooooo sweet to me!!!!!)  I have some frustrations and decisions and troubles, but all in all am so incredibly blessed and that overshadows everything.

Searching...

I had the amazing and wonderful chance to look after a 2 year old girl for almost a year.  She also happened to be my Goddaughter.  I am so grateful that I was able to be at a point in my life that allowed me to do that job-that-was-no-job and look after while her mom was at work.  She is a precious, adorable, intelligent little package of trouble and I am so grateful for her and her mother every day.  But as life is wont to do, changes happened and they moved away (just far enough, but not too far)  and I am now looking for a job.

I have to admit that looking for a job is an amazingly difficult thing to quantify.  There are no specific measurements of how well the hunt is going, or even feedback in order to improve your search.  It's like yelling out into a void, and hoping for an answer that is more than an echo.

I can count how many resumes I have sent out or how many interviews I have had, but as I continue to remain jobless there is a certain useless quality to the number.  And as the months roll on, there begins to be a certain useless quality to my self esteem.

It's funny the way people define their self-worth.  The fact that nameless people who have seem my resume or interviewed me and not offered me a job might find me lacking in some way... at times really hits hard.  Stupid, I know... logically only I can define my own worth, but there are days when my joblessness is all I can see.

I am so blessed.  I have family and friends who are supportive and caring.  I have a husband who is patient and loving.  I have a hobby I enjoy and have been using my free time to that advantage....  And I know that in the end, it's God's plan, and only He knows it.  But like anything worthwhile, waiting for God to reveal that plan is hard.  And some times remembering that I am being held by Him is very, very hard.  I question my worth, and usefulness.  I question Him.  And in the end have nothing more than I began.  Which is more than nothing...  In the end all I have is the knowledge that this is all His plan, and I simply must have faith that just as God provides for the earth, so he will provide for me.  And He never promised it would be easy.

And so some days my heart breaks over the past, and a little girl I now don't get to see as often as I would like.  And I just keep trying to find my place in the world outside this cozy home and family.  And I see the truth in the lyrics of "For Good" from 'Wicked'...


...I've heard it said 
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow 
If we let them....


...So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...


Be well, my friends.
Goodnight.

DOUBLE RAINBOW SONG!!

You're Welcome.

Team Eli

Just something fun from something David Blue said on Twitter. lol
**I do not own these images of David or Bryan, or the SGU logo, this is for fun only, I have no connection to the show or it's marketing.**

Dancing through Life....

I have found myself needing a 'musical fix' and so have been listening to Wicked and I Love You Because (A Modern Day Musical Love Story) with a little Les Mis thrown in for good measure.
But anyway, here is what is on my mind....

I am turning 25 this month, and while for ages I believed people were ridiculous to be anxious about just another year among (hopefully) many, many years, I am finding myself not unaffected by the upcoming anniversary.  And while I believe this is the reason behind the frame of mind I find myself in, it is possibly only a small part (only God knows)...

I have been spending the last year (more than that, really) working on my faith and focusing on what plan God has for me, and what talents he has gifted me with... And while I feel like I have grown much over this learning, I seem to have run into a wall.
Part of me says,
"Pray, and work harder to discover what it is that is blocking you, God will help you move/remove it."
While the other part of me says,
"I don't want to.  Can't I just stay here?  I am comfortable here.  I am willing to move forward, but don't want to be going at such a pace."
The part of me that wants to stay still is louder... If this were a tug-o-war it would be the winner.
I know what I would say to someone else if they came to me with this.  Something along the lines of:
"Change is not always comfortable."
"So far, whenever you have gone forward, despite how hard or uncomfortable it has been, hasn't it been worth it?"
"Running away never solves anything."
"Everyone had walls/hard places they have to overcome.  It's part of life.  It's part of becoming the person God intends you to be.  There is no 'escaping' life.  There is no 'escaping' God."
And yet, even as I know that in my head, my heart cries out,
"Don't I deserve a sabbatical?  Can't I simply drift in the blessings of family God has given me?  Must you push me?"

I supposed that you could say I am tired.  You could say that I am giving up.  What I can say for sure is that there is a distinct backing off I feel happening in me.  A decision to relegate myself to 'luke-warm' status as a Christian, and take myself out of the flow, for now.  I think a part of it comes from this crazy system upheaval that my turning 25 has surprisingly begun.  But also I think it stems from a habit I picked up in my youth.  When things get hard, when you feel overwhelmed, back off.  You can't be found foolish if you don't participate.  And even knowing that, even knowing all the things to say.... I still hear a "give me time" from my heart, a calling out for a slower pace.

This has been building in me for a couple of weeks... and I think this is it's voice.  Now, what do I do with it?

My Sister, A Song

Hey, so I wrote a song. Just a little ditty for my sister. It's been building itself in my head since last weekend when Nikki and I "road tripped" up to Nanaimo. This is my first ever YouTube video... It was quickly put together just to get the song up so Nikki could have it. Thought I would share it though.

Enjoy!

Thirsty....

I am not entirely sure where this train of thought came from, but I am going to share it with you anyway... :) Enjoy!

There is a book that I have been meaning to read for awhile now, and have yet to get around to. I have read the first chapter, and it has only cemented my intention. Max Lucado, an author whom I love and that has a beautiful way with words and a clear and strong Heart for God, wrote a book titled "Come Thirsty", a simple yet powerful statement. For some reason for I don't know really for how long, this statement has been percolating in me. Then, last week, during the sermon time at Adore the pastor mentioned the story of the Samaritan woman who met Jesus at the Well. (John 4:1-42) about how Jesus offered her Living Water, Water that, if you partook, you would never thirst again. It seemed that this topic would add to itself until I let it out.

Have you been to see James Cameron's Avatar? (I have seen it three times, and enjoyed it all three of them, but I digress.) One of the lines that it said is; "It is hard to fill a cup that is already full." Think about it. If you come, with no room or openness in your heart, what then can fill your cup? That is the theory I have been wrestling with. If Jesus is Living Water, if Jesus wishes to fill our cup with life-giving, spirit-filled water with which to soothe our souls, what happens if our cup is already full. Already filled with our jobs and family and worries and plans.... What if we are like people in dry suits? Letting ourselves be surrounded by the grace and love of the holy water, but not being touched by it. Prevented by a layer of rubber suit, or doubt, or fear, or guilt.... It is easier, less frightening, more comfortable for us to insulate ourselves from the Holy then to chance that we might be touched or changed by it. And changed we would be. It is hard to truly open your whole self to the amazing gift of the cross and come away unchanged. Even those who have tasted the Living Water, who have met Jesus at the cross and declared him 'Saviour', might cap their cup and zip up that dry suit at times. Scripture says this: "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." John 7: 37-38

But you can be standing knee deep in that stream of living water and still die of thirst, unless you bend down, scoop up some water and drink deep. And there is where the statement, "Come Thirsty" comes in. Wherever you go, Come Thirsty. With cup empty and waiting, with your whole self bared, no barriers to the grace, forgiveness and love that water carries. When I say cup empty it is to be consistent with the imagery I have already created with you, but what I truly imagine is this:

Water is truly amazing in that it can go so many places we cannot. Small cracks grant it access, hard rock yields to it's unending current. So my cup is this gorgeous marble vessel that just keeps getting deeper as the living water softens and washes away impurities... Meaning that I Come always with an open cup, ready to receive that awesome gift.

Thus I must always Come Thirsty. Come with a thirst and yearning for the love, grace and mercy of my God. Come with a thirst for the God who loved with such passion and depth that he sent His Son, a piece of Himself, to become flesh and die on the cross for my sin. Thirst for the God who was and is and is to come.

What is it that keeps you from coming with an open cup? What is the thing/thought/habit that virtually bundles you into that dry suit? Will you lay it at the Cross? Will you surrender it to Jesus and Come Thirsty?

(Confused? Intrigued? Feel the need to discuss? Have a question? Please feel free to comment, and I would love to talk with You. Blessings, Renée)

Mighty to save

Both services I went to today sang this song. So I decided that that meant I should share it with y'all. Enjoy!!

Because the whole world should see and love this... lol

One of the channels I subscribe to on YouTube made this awesome Harry Potter version of the Google Superbowl commercial. *Imperio!* You will enjoy it!

An evening of posts

This night seems to be The Night to post something new on your blog. Both my sister and Dad have posted, so I decided to follow the trend.

I have been thinking about posting since Sunday, when I attended a church service with my friend and minister. I have not been to a service that I was not a part of in a long time, and the last time was not at a place that touched me deeply. Now I don't know that I can say how deeply I may have been touched by this service I attended. A house, turned sanctuary, sheltering people with a true love and devotion for Jesus. Nor can I clearly say if I liked the service, though I didn't NOT like it.... But I can say with certainty that two things were brought to my attention.

Thing One:

I have never been to a service or even a gathering of people who speak so clearly and fervently about Jesus. Even in our little home church.... We talk about Jesus, but not like this. A true feeling that Jesus is as important as God, and Holy Spirit... A true deepening into the sacrifice Jesus paid to give us the chance to have a relationship with God. A true conversation with other people of faith where the name Jesus has more.... Meaning... Something I had not realized was missing from my faith-life, but something I seeped into my soul greedily and joyfully. I am not sure the words that you just read make sense, or even explain clearly enough what I mean to say.... But those are the words I have...

Thing Two:

I cried. During communion. I don't even really know why. We partook of Body and Blood, sang Jesus Messiah and at the part of the chorus that says, "Blessed Redeemer, Emmanuel" the tears would well up and fall. Like I said, I really haven't a clue as to the reason, and maybe I just haven't looked closely enough to discover it, but I do know that something shifted in my heart at that moment.

During this week I have noticed something interesting. I have ended everyday relaxed with a feeling of well-being. Whether I had a day filled with awesome, moments of frustration or sadness, beautiful moments of family and love, the day ends with gratitude. Maybe this is connected. Maybe this won't last. Maybe this is the next step on this journey of faith I have embarked on. All I know is that part of me is always aware of the Love. The Love that God showers upon us through the Word made Flesh, the Way, the Truth and the Life, my dear friend, Jesus Christ.

Before, I would worry and fret at the fact that every post I make seems to end up being about God, and my faith. But it really makes a lot of sense. God is working at something in my life. I haven't quite worked out what it is yet, and maybe God (who knows me better than anyone) knows I'd freak if I had the whole picture and so lets me make the small steps, but there is definitely Something at work. So for those of you who feel like you need to know more about my mundane/worldly life, feel free to call me. But I make no promises God won't make a guest appearance in that conversation too.

The Way, the Truth, and the Life!

Hello Friends!

There is a song that has been playing on the radio lately that makes me super happy. I hear it and I just HAVE to turn up the volume (and sometime even crank up the base) and jam. It is by NewWorldSon and is called There is a Way. I think the reason that I am feeling so excited about this song is that (besides the jiving melody) it is such a great reminder! That there is a Way! And it is Jesus!

We have been talking a lot about the Father Heart of God at worship lately, and it is something that has been definitely making changes in my heart. There is something so powerful about the Love of God... Something so powerful in the knowledge that God sent His Son Jesus to earth out of Love for Us. There is something so empowering and humbling and fulfilling knowing that God yearns for us to be close to Him. Jesus was sent to earth to teach and speak of the Love of Our Father God, sent to the cross to take away our sins so that we might join our Father God in Heaven! How amazing is that Love? I don't know about you, but it is hard to feel bad about myself, hard to pick on those things that I dislike about myself when I remember that Love. The only thing that I can do is Praise. Sing out my gratefulness and love to Our Father God. And this song is that reminder. "I Promise that You won't be alone! There is a Way, the truth and the life and the way!!!"

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. - John 14:6 New Living Translation

Blessings, dear friends!

Renée

Essentials?

``...I think Mr. Darcy improves on acquaintance.''

``Indeed!'' cried Wickham with a look which did not escape her. ``And pray may I ask -- ?'' but checking himself, he added in a gayer tone, ``Is it in address that he improves? Has he deigned to add ought of civility to his ordinary style? for I dare not hope,'' he continued in a lower and more serious tone, ``that he is improved in essentials.''

``Oh, no!'' said Elizabeth. ``In essentials, I believe, he is very much what he ever was.''

"Pride and Prejudice", Jane Austen

I have been wondering lately whether someone can truly change. I guess I am not entirely sure what that means. Do you think that people, in essentials, are unchanging, but that it is in how we view, or in the information we have of them that casts their character? But when it is in your own self that you are trying to make those changes, do your essentials hold weight? Are essentials mostly moral, or do they cover self image and attitude? In pride and prejudice, at the end, Darcy explains that he was taught good morals but left to follow them in pride and conceit. And so this man we saw as cold becomes a man who on closer inspection is truly just learning a new way of talking to people and seeing the world. He is changing. But then there is the question of attitude....

There will be no argument from anyone who knows me when I state that I am a lazy person. I am not afraid of hard work, and in some (very rare) cases actually revel in it, but I do do my very best to avoid as much of it as possible. It is almost a subconscious, instinctive thing. So when I say that my husband and I are trying to eat better, and I have decided to try and lose weight you will not be surprised that I have done very little about it. My Hubby and I are doing more to eat better. We have, for a little over a month now, been avoiding pop. We no longer buy it, so it isn't even in the house to tempt us. And this last grocery shop that we did, we did together with an eye for healthier possibilities. (For example I ate FISH tonight!) I downloaded "workout" music, and have Wii fit to help get me moving. But I have only done one session on the Wii, and haven't been out to the elliptical at all. I like sitting still TOO MUCH. I like to read books and play on the computer. I haven't been into being active since.... elementary school I think. So even though Malcolm is raiding tonight, and I could have at least played Wii Fit to get some activity into the day, I played Bejeweled Blitz on my iPod Touch for like an hour, maybe more. So I guess I am wondering if being lazy is part of what is essentially Me, and if I will even stop procrastinating and move past lazy. Probably never.

P.S. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was okay. Funny. But I prefer the original. So, I have a copy to loan out if anybody wants to read it! (Zombies... although if you want to borrow the original, that is cool too)

Kingdom living/World living with Crazy Love

I really am very lucky. In view of the devastation and heartbreak happening in the world, more lucky and blessed than I ever take time to appreciate.

But what I mean is that I am lucky at the moment to be out of the flow of the World. Lucky that I would have a husband and family who would support me removing myself from the World's race for promotions and raises in order to focus on my faith journey and care for a beautiful gift of God bundled in a 2 year old package. I am removed enough from the trappings of the World to have the opportunity to shift my view, shift my way of being. There is trepidation and uncertainty in this, as my World mindset and my Kingdom heart struggle to abide together.

I have been that person who quiets their Kingdom heart to assure no offense is given or no one feel uncomfortable. Been irked by the emails that speak of Jesus and then dare me to pass them along (since 86% or whatever of people won't.) Do you, like me find that dare, that taunt, as reason enough to delete the message, unshared with contacts in your list? And do you, like me, when the email speaks so close to the heart it must be shared, specially select people in your contact list to send it to? Those people who you know will not be offended or put off by receiving it?

I have been the person afraid of following the faith journey. So studied in the ways of the World that not contributing financially to my household, not having a 5 year business plan, and not knowing what I will be doing as occupation when the sidewalk ends has been, and continues to be, a place of struggle in me.

I have been the person who feels guilty. Like Francis Chan said in "Crazy Love" (page 56/57) I have picked up somewhere along the way that I should set aside time for God, in which to pray and read the Bible. And the fact that I don't (even though I am home most of the day with that little bundle of God's gift) frustrates me, and causes me to feel guilty. Like I am being fraudulent when I speak about my faith, since I don't "do my time."

But, let's be honest with each other... God is not only in the silent moments set aside for prayer. God is not only in the moments of certainty and joy. God does not only love us when we are working hard, making good money, keeping our family comfortable. God is Everywhere. God is in Everything... actually God IS Everything. In Crazy Love Chan writes, " Over time I have realized that when we love God, we naturally run to Him-frequently and zealously. Jesus didn't command that we have a regular time with Him each day. Rather, He tells us to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." He called this the "first and greatest commandment" (Matt. 22:37-38).....This is how God longs for us to respond to His extravagant, unending love: not with a cursory "quiet time" plagued by guilt, but with true love expressed through our lives." (page 57)

And that is where I find I see the Kingdom in the World: through Love.

I have been surrounded by people who care and accept my heart and journey, regardless of their own position on the border between Kingdom and World. When these people, the moments of peace or laughter, the moments of Love are viewed as Blessings from a Loving God I cannot help but feel His presence in this place. So it is in shifting to see the Blessings. Focusing on the moments of Love. Choosing to see with Kingdom eyes that God is clearest. And in noticing and focusing on those moments we can teach ourselves to feel/see/perceive even the faintest whisper of God moving through our lives. So Love, love the Lord Our God so fervently , so passionately that we Run to Him-"frequently and zealously." Because we can be sure that any love that have for God, even when our heart is at it's biggest, doesn't begin to compare to the unyielding and never-ending love Our Father has for us. And doesn't that feel great? So focus on the Blessings and Moments. Hear the whispers of God in your everyday. And by all means, feel free to set aside time to pray and read the Bible. Just don't feel guilty if you don't.

Advent: HOPE

Our little home church is having an advent service Saturday night. Full of learning and Hope and all good things advent-y, I have been asked to share a little of my thoughts on Hope during the day. I always think better as I write, so here I sit, with a laptop that is on it's last bit of battery, Hoping and wondering what Hope truly is.

Usually Advent is all about preparing our hearts to meet Jesus. This is a focus because oftentimes folks do their rare church visits during this Holiday time. But our little house church is made up of people who have already met, and started a relationship with Jesus. So then, what is advent about? Specifically, this week: Hope.

Well Jerri and I were discussing that at our meeting and our focus is on (lets see how well I was listening) the fact that we are citizens of Heaven living on the Earth. Like a Man who is stationed in an alien country longing to be home, we too may long to be in our true home, Heaven. So how does this change how we act in our lives? Does it change how we see the world, if we think of ourselves as visitors on our way Home?

So where does Hope fit into this? Well, the question asked by Jerri was, "Where is your Hope grounded?" If your Hope is grounded in Earthly things, then your hope may be broken, lost, betrayed or disappointed. Humans are flawed, and finite. If you ground your faith in that flawed and finite place, like the man who built his house on sand, you will be let down. But if you ground your Hope to the end place, the eternal, Heaven, you cannot be broken, lost, betrayed or disappointed. Jesus prepared a place for us in Heaven, that is where we are headed, and have been since before we were alive. Something that constant, that solid, that eternal is the perfect place to ground your Hope.

Now I know that I have a lot of questions about Hope before I can even begin to figure out where I have it grounded. What is Hope? Where does Hope come from? How can I know where I have grounded my Hope... I have a lot of hopes centered around my family and marriage and home, does this mean I have grounded my Hope there?

The other side of the issue is the difficulty of Hoping for a place we don't know except for secondhand accounts. Heaven has been described for us, but is this enough to ground our Hope in? I remember when my family was moving into our new house. I was away in Naramata working at Summer Staff (I had spent the majority of the first 7 months of that year there including Winter session) and would be coming home to an alien place. I had been there briefly when my Mother went for a viewing, and seen pictures on the MLS site, but it belonged to someone else then, and pictures just couldn't do this monumental change justice. I will admit to having trouble envisioning what it would be like, let alone create a solid enough image to ground anything. I was very ungrounded during that time.

So How do we ground our Hope in Heaven? How do we know when it's done? I don't know. I would assume that, like in everything we surrender to God, we would feel a lightening, a surer footing in ourselves maybe? But this is what Advent is for. Asking the questions, being on the journey to that Bethlehem place, where knowing the sacrifice Jesus makes for us, gives the manger lasting importance. That He would come, a child in a manger, the King of Heaven, that piece of God humbled to show His love... this is the beginning, this is the place of Hope... Where do you ground your HOPE?

Lest We Forget...

Dear Lord,

May we continue to remember the people who have come before and those continuing the fight for freedom even today. May Your hand guide us that peace may come quickly, and our soldiers return home, safe and whole. May we always remember the price of war, and that the price is too high... May we always remember, for those gone live on in our memories. Amen

Saviour Please

On Saturday my worship/study group got together to discuss the third chapter of the book that we are studying. Earlier that day my Dad had asked me if I had heard a song called "Saviour Please" by Josh Wilson. I didn't know until I heard it, and then I knew that I had been hearing it on the radio. Enough that I knew most of the words... But I had not actually thought about the words and the meaning before. The song then got stuck in my head. :) So Dad and I tried to do the song during the worship time Saturday night... We had not practised at all, neither of us was sure of the bridge and I had hastily put some slides together after dinner. But the song has stayed with me over the last day or so, so I thought I would take a moment to blog a little.

Firstly, here is the song...




The part that has stuck with me the most I think is the line in the chorus that says; "I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me." It is almost as if my heart has turned that line into a mantra. Stuck on repeat, it is a prayer that is continuous.

One of the things we talked about in worship one night, is about how we tend to make God smaller than He is so that we can 'manage' Him. And then, when the times of trouble, fear, or doubt come we forget that God is big enough to hold us, and hold all that comes with us. God is infinite, beyond even the wildest imagination, beyond any words known or unknown. When we limit God, we may feel more comfortable, we may even think we've got it all under control but there will come a time when that control will slip, and we will falter. How can we understand the might, the grace, the love, the compassion, the justice of God if we have made Him only as small as we can take or understand?

God is infinite... If we allow ourselves to bask in that awesome bigness. Allow ourselves to remember that He is bigger than us and anything that might be happening to us, there is a deep peace there. The world is full of many tests, hardships, victories, and hurts. But with God as our grounding place, as our centre, as our partner the moments of trial will be lessend and the times of love and victory sweetened.

I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me. Please continue to save me from myself. Remind me of your greatness, that I may never forget that you are bigger than any trouble I might find. Take my hand, and lead me on the path You have named mine. That I might be the light that points to You, so all may know Your love.


P.S. The book that we are reading together is "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan

P.P.S. I am totally stoked that I embedded my first video on this blog! (Aren't we getting hi-tech!) lol

What do I know? And other moments in life.

So I know it has been a gagillion years since I posted (intentional use of unspecific, made up, fake number) but in my own defense I have been very rarely on my computer since the beginning of September... and when I am on, it is to read the wit and intelligence shared by those I follow, as opposed to trying to replicate the awesome.... lol Anyway, now that the excuse portion of the post is behind us, I will enlighten you to the reason I have felt the call to blog.

Isn't it amazing how God places things in our life just as we need them? Or perhaps they have been present in our lives (or in the wider world) for many years, but you never noticed/were exposed to/thought of it in the same way as to make a difference in the here and now.

For example, when I was in grade 8 I participated in the Musical "Annie Get Your Gun" at school. Until that year I had no idea who or what Annie Oakley was, but in the weeks after starting the musical Annie Oakley seemed to be referenced in everything I saw...

Okay, so maybe that example didn't quite grasp what I mean.... So here is another example:

It was a mild early fall Wednesday night, the darkness was friendly and familiar as I drove the streets of Saanich to take my brother home. The evening had been lovely spent with my family (save my parents who are in Jamaica to celebrate their 30th anniversary) eating pizza and ice cream. Playing video games and being on the computer (a fairly common family pass time). My brother and I have a very interesting conversation concerning toy guns and whether children should be allowed to play with them. But then, as I drove back home in the quiet of the night, with only the radio and the street lights to keep me company (there may have been other motorists...lol) what should play on the radio but this song. It's "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road. As soon as it began to play, it was as if the world became as small as my car, and I heard my heart speaking the words as she sang them. That the song played at that moment, when I had nothing to distract from hearing it, in the darkness and quiet of the night when I feel the most 'receptive', I believe, is no cosmic coincidence. The Lord works quietly around and in our lives, and waits for a time when our hearts are the most receptive, to speak His love, to speak His plans, and to speak His word.

Now I am sure you are wondering what He spoke to me...

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

He said, "I see your doubts. I see into your very depths and know that you feel as if you know nothing at all."

I guess I thought that I had figured You out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

He said, "I see your gifts, I gave them to you. I see the possibilities and hope you offer to the world even when you do not. I am endlessly patient and will keep whispering my words until you hear."

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

He said, "You don't need to know it all. I know it all. And I will speak through you, love through you, hope and have faith through you. Open your heart to me and hear."

There is a part of me that fears God. Okay, maybe not God, but the deep change He is working in me even now. Even as I try to discover my calling I turn and run from God. The change he is working in me is one on the molecular level. I will be changed deeply, I can see glimpses even now. And my fear tells me to turn away. My fear tells me that life is easier/better/more fun without God, and yet I feel the calling keenly. Something is moving. I am afraid to look closely to find out what it is.

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

In the grand scheme of things I am but one grain of sand. But in God's Grand Scheme I have a more defined role. I pray I have the courage to find out what it is.

Well, Malcolm is here and so signals bedtime. Good night world, may you also have the courage to open our heart and hear the whispers in your heart. (They are probably important.)

Rambling along... join me?

I cannot say exactly the point of this blog update if only for for updates sake. I have been pretty consistent lately (actually made two posts within 2 weeks of each other!) and so wanted to continue the trend. So this post has no particular destination or direction... (this means trouble, I can tell...)

I have to admit that now, with the prospect of contributing to the income of this little twosome of a family come September, I am becoming much more settled in the stay-at-home-ness that is my life. It might help that I spent the majority of Sunday catching up on neglected laundry, and seem to actually be getting some definable chores accomplished. My living room area is now a lovely shade of 'Wild Blue Yonder' while the couple (nine-ish) blue marks on the ceiling bother me minimally. My kitchen (though while not at the moment) is clean and actually nice looking for the most part... Malcolm did make pie though today and I have yet to clean that up. (P.S. the pie is VERY yummy *be jealous* lol) These may seem like little non-monumental things, but for anyone that knows me you will recognize the amazing leap that is for this devout clutter-butt. There is definitely many more chores that need to be seen to (that I am ignoring by being on the computer...) but as my Mother told me recently, I have to be proud of all of these little achievements. And so I share these little things with you!

I was mentioning in my last post that I was feeling nervous and unsure about the calling God had for me, and whether I would be able to achieve this plan. We discussed about how if you allow yourself to offer every act of what you do in your life to God as a vessel for Him to work through you, then it becomes less about what the Big Awesome Scary God Plan is and more about the spirit in which you live your life. I was reading one of the days in my devotional the other day and it spoke about prayer... about how it can be frustrating if you treat prayer as the waiting for an answer from God... like waiting for your friend to answer a question. God does not always work in your life in obvious and outright ways. Sometimes the way the God works through you, is only apparent in hindsight. For example:

For a time after I had returned from Disneyland with my husband, and life returned to the 'daily grind' there was this insistent voice in my head urging me to find work... any employ at all really. The field of Dental Reception seemed to be out of my reach and honestly not the right fit... so while applying for those I turned to the retail industry to soften my fall. I applied many places (from my home computer, no hitting the pavement for this lazy-butt) and never received a reply. The most I got was one company getting hold of me to let me know that they could not actually read the file I sent with my resume. After some converting on my part, and them kindly letting me know they could open it, the front again became silent. Then during a casual conversation, the idea to take over the daycare for my Goddaughter took root. After researching this and making sure that I was able to do this and have my girlfriend still receive her subsidy, as well as not needing to jump through a thousand hoops to get some kind of license, the idea lay fallow for two weeks. Then it became a actually tangible reality... these next few weeks were spent in preparation of having a little one here, and of deciding if this was part of the path I had agreed to follow as a Christ follower.

Then a few days ago I received a phone call from the same lady at the company who asked for my resume in a different format. Apparently my resume had gone 'somewhere' for two months and just recently came across her desk. She called it an impressive resume, and that they would like to set up a meeting with me if I was still interested, etc. So feeling totally flattered I had to reply that I was, unfortunately unavailable. The thing is that if my resume had not gone to that 'somewhere' that it did, and they had ended up offering me a job at that point 2 months ago I would probably have taken it. And then this amazing opportunity of looking after, building a relationship with and being a presence of Christ for Danika would have possibly never come along! And honestly, I think that I would have been miserable in 3 months tops had I returned to retail. So there God was, quietly steering me away from something that was not in His plan for me.

So I am excited to be planning and learning and being a leader again. I am part of a small home Christ community that has much potential and much wonderful spirit. I will soon be spending copious amounts of time with my hellion of a Goddaughter and look forward to the adventures we will have. I also look forward to the opportunity to live up to my mantle of Godmother and be a presence of Christ in her life (and maybe that of her mother's along the way...)

And on another note entirely.... The cast of 'The Guild' has a music video that came out on iTunes today... it has also been posted to their YouTube channel... I think you all should watch it (especially if you are gamers, know gamers, or [in my case] are married to a gamer. Also if you like Felicia Day... you *might* like this... lol) So go here to see the video... and check out the first two seasons of 'The Guild' while you are there!

not bad for a ramble post... If I do say so myself!

i *less than three* you

R.

Time is sliding by...

I have no idea where the time has gone. It would seem that it has been only days since the summer began and yet here I sit staring at the fast approaching month of September. Since I became a bum that lives off my husband time seems to run together. There is no distinct distinction between days... I put off things "until tomorrow" and the next thing I know a week has passed and nothing has been resolved.

I am excited to say that I have finished the painting in my living room and have begun the fun that is rearranging furniture into the most usable configuration. I am quite happy with the color blue we chose and have to say that the mistakes don't really bother me at all. If they bother Malcolm, he has said nothing (shock) and probably knows that whatever he does point out will be added to His 'to do' rather than mine. lol

Perhaps I should mention, for those who don't know, that September is such a significant marker for me because that is when I will begin to look after my Goddaughter full-time. I am so excited about the opportunity to both create a close relationship with the lovely and rambunctious not-quite-two-year-old, and to have more of a chance to actually fulfill my role as GODmother and show her the wonders of a relationship with Jesus. I am honestly a little nervous under my excitement. I have no idea what I am doing. I have worked with and looked after children of most ages, but never for such a concentrated amount of time, and never without a theme or schedule already planned out for them. We have been busy around my place, cleaning (since I am not know for my tidiness) and child proofing as well as buying some great 'equipment'. A toddler bed for naps, a little tykes clubhouse/swing set for the yard, little table and chair set, sand box, baby monitor for nap times, toddler utensils and sippy cups, sidewalk chalk and some exciting ideas for crafts already. I think she will be the youngest child I have ever worked with and so I am not sure what kind of activities to plan. Mostly I am quite happily going by the seat of my pants (that's when I do my best work anyways.)

But on that front it is mostly preparation and learning as we go... So it is the other front of the storm that has me a little unsettled. I have been going weekly to talk with a pastor friend and she has been helping me to put words and intent to this God-gift in me. We have been recently talking about God showing me the big-picture plan He has for me, so that all my little baby steps can, at least in some way, be true to that goal. We have also been talking about what it means to surrender to God's plan and move forward with His purpose. Now, I have posted the little thingy I wrote about Surrender.... It is one thing to write something and to understand it in my head, and quite another to have it become part of my heart habits. There is definitely a fear in me that is making it hard to even acknowledge the questions in any tangible way. I know that part of that fear is the unknown of what this big-picture will be... What if I discover that I am simply unable, or not ready to achieve this plan that God has for me? Maybe the biggest is the idea that I will have to do even more "letting go of the tree" than I can do... I am a very...*coughhermitcough* ... Introverted person. Part of me wishes to be a social and effervescent personality but when I try (even with people I have know forever, or for whom I have a passionate awe and love for) I feel that hermit calling for me to return to the safety of my house, my kittens, my family and my quiet existence. There are so many times in my past when an opportunity to connect with people and to create new relationships has been hindered by the... what do I call it.... laziness? shyness? narcissism? Will this become a hindrance to my relationship with God? Is it wanting to meet Him on my terms? Is it being willing to risk only a part so to make for a quick retreat? Maybe it's the total lack of understanding that I have for this gift I am told I have. I don't see it. Maybe I don't want to see it.

So as always, I have to continually challenge myself to avoid retreating... News flash: This week is not going to be considered a banner week... I have retreated so far inside myself that I have completely avoided the topic even with myself. I have done nothing to address these fears or questions... And I have that sick/scared feeling when I think about my next meeting. Not because of what might be asked, but because of the answers that my pride fears will arise...

And so this lighthearted, catch up blog has once again turned into something else entirely. There must be something about sitting at a keyboard... Or it could be that the barriers are weak, it being 2:40 am... lol

So goodnight fair world, sleep well and may the dawn bring new light and strong currents of love.

i *less than three* you

R.