I had the amazing and wonderful chance to look after a 2 year old girl for almost a year. She also happened to be my Goddaughter. I am so grateful that I was able to be at a point in my life that allowed me to do that job-that-was-no-job and look after while her mom was at work. She is a precious, adorable, intelligent little package of trouble and I am so grateful for her and her mother every day. But as life is wont to do, changes happened and they moved away (just far enough, but not too far) and I am now looking for a job.
I have to admit that looking for a job is an amazingly difficult thing to quantify. There are no specific measurements of how well the hunt is going, or even feedback in order to improve your search. It's like yelling out into a void, and hoping for an answer that is more than an echo.
I can count how many resumes I have sent out or how many interviews I have had, but as I continue to remain jobless there is a certain useless quality to the number. And as the months roll on, there begins to be a certain useless quality to my self esteem.
It's funny the way people define their self-worth. The fact that nameless people who have seem my resume or interviewed me and not offered me a job might find me lacking in some way... at times really hits hard. Stupid, I know... logically only I can define my own worth, but there are days when my joblessness is all I can see.
I am so blessed. I have family and friends who are supportive and caring. I have a husband who is patient and loving. I have a hobby I enjoy and have been using my free time to that advantage.... And I know that in the end, it's God's plan, and only He knows it. But like anything worthwhile, waiting for God to reveal that plan is hard. And some times remembering that I am being held by Him is very, very hard. I question my worth, and usefulness. I question Him. And in the end have nothing more than I began. Which is more than nothing... In the end all I have is the knowledge that this is all His plan, and I simply must have faith that just as God provides for the earth, so he will provide for me. And He never promised it would be easy.
And so some days my heart breaks over the past, and a little girl I now don't get to see as often as I would like. And I just keep trying to find my place in the world outside this cozy home and family. And I see the truth in the lyrics of "For Good" from 'Wicked'...
...I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them....
...So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Be well, my friends.
Goodnight.
