Searching...

I had the amazing and wonderful chance to look after a 2 year old girl for almost a year.  She also happened to be my Goddaughter.  I am so grateful that I was able to be at a point in my life that allowed me to do that job-that-was-no-job and look after while her mom was at work.  She is a precious, adorable, intelligent little package of trouble and I am so grateful for her and her mother every day.  But as life is wont to do, changes happened and they moved away (just far enough, but not too far)  and I am now looking for a job.

I have to admit that looking for a job is an amazingly difficult thing to quantify.  There are no specific measurements of how well the hunt is going, or even feedback in order to improve your search.  It's like yelling out into a void, and hoping for an answer that is more than an echo.

I can count how many resumes I have sent out or how many interviews I have had, but as I continue to remain jobless there is a certain useless quality to the number.  And as the months roll on, there begins to be a certain useless quality to my self esteem.

It's funny the way people define their self-worth.  The fact that nameless people who have seem my resume or interviewed me and not offered me a job might find me lacking in some way... at times really hits hard.  Stupid, I know... logically only I can define my own worth, but there are days when my joblessness is all I can see.

I am so blessed.  I have family and friends who are supportive and caring.  I have a husband who is patient and loving.  I have a hobby I enjoy and have been using my free time to that advantage....  And I know that in the end, it's God's plan, and only He knows it.  But like anything worthwhile, waiting for God to reveal that plan is hard.  And some times remembering that I am being held by Him is very, very hard.  I question my worth, and usefulness.  I question Him.  And in the end have nothing more than I began.  Which is more than nothing...  In the end all I have is the knowledge that this is all His plan, and I simply must have faith that just as God provides for the earth, so he will provide for me.  And He never promised it would be easy.

And so some days my heart breaks over the past, and a little girl I now don't get to see as often as I would like.  And I just keep trying to find my place in the world outside this cozy home and family.  And I see the truth in the lyrics of "For Good" from 'Wicked'...


...I've heard it said 
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow 
If we let them....


...So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...


Be well, my friends.
Goodnight.

DOUBLE RAINBOW SONG!!

You're Welcome.

Team Eli

Just something fun from something David Blue said on Twitter. lol
**I do not own these images of David or Bryan, or the SGU logo, this is for fun only, I have no connection to the show or it's marketing.**

Dancing through Life....

I have found myself needing a 'musical fix' and so have been listening to Wicked and I Love You Because (A Modern Day Musical Love Story) with a little Les Mis thrown in for good measure.
But anyway, here is what is on my mind....

I am turning 25 this month, and while for ages I believed people were ridiculous to be anxious about just another year among (hopefully) many, many years, I am finding myself not unaffected by the upcoming anniversary.  And while I believe this is the reason behind the frame of mind I find myself in, it is possibly only a small part (only God knows)...

I have been spending the last year (more than that, really) working on my faith and focusing on what plan God has for me, and what talents he has gifted me with... And while I feel like I have grown much over this learning, I seem to have run into a wall.
Part of me says,
"Pray, and work harder to discover what it is that is blocking you, God will help you move/remove it."
While the other part of me says,
"I don't want to.  Can't I just stay here?  I am comfortable here.  I am willing to move forward, but don't want to be going at such a pace."
The part of me that wants to stay still is louder... If this were a tug-o-war it would be the winner.
I know what I would say to someone else if they came to me with this.  Something along the lines of:
"Change is not always comfortable."
"So far, whenever you have gone forward, despite how hard or uncomfortable it has been, hasn't it been worth it?"
"Running away never solves anything."
"Everyone had walls/hard places they have to overcome.  It's part of life.  It's part of becoming the person God intends you to be.  There is no 'escaping' life.  There is no 'escaping' God."
And yet, even as I know that in my head, my heart cries out,
"Don't I deserve a sabbatical?  Can't I simply drift in the blessings of family God has given me?  Must you push me?"

I supposed that you could say I am tired.  You could say that I am giving up.  What I can say for sure is that there is a distinct backing off I feel happening in me.  A decision to relegate myself to 'luke-warm' status as a Christian, and take myself out of the flow, for now.  I think a part of it comes from this crazy system upheaval that my turning 25 has surprisingly begun.  But also I think it stems from a habit I picked up in my youth.  When things get hard, when you feel overwhelmed, back off.  You can't be found foolish if you don't participate.  And even knowing that, even knowing all the things to say.... I still hear a "give me time" from my heart, a calling out for a slower pace.

This has been building in me for a couple of weeks... and I think this is it's voice.  Now, what do I do with it?

My Sister, A Song

Hey, so I wrote a song. Just a little ditty for my sister. It's been building itself in my head since last weekend when Nikki and I "road tripped" up to Nanaimo. This is my first ever YouTube video... It was quickly put together just to get the song up so Nikki could have it. Thought I would share it though.

Enjoy!

Thirsty....

I am not entirely sure where this train of thought came from, but I am going to share it with you anyway... :) Enjoy!

There is a book that I have been meaning to read for awhile now, and have yet to get around to. I have read the first chapter, and it has only cemented my intention. Max Lucado, an author whom I love and that has a beautiful way with words and a clear and strong Heart for God, wrote a book titled "Come Thirsty", a simple yet powerful statement. For some reason for I don't know really for how long, this statement has been percolating in me. Then, last week, during the sermon time at Adore the pastor mentioned the story of the Samaritan woman who met Jesus at the Well. (John 4:1-42) about how Jesus offered her Living Water, Water that, if you partook, you would never thirst again. It seemed that this topic would add to itself until I let it out.

Have you been to see James Cameron's Avatar? (I have seen it three times, and enjoyed it all three of them, but I digress.) One of the lines that it said is; "It is hard to fill a cup that is already full." Think about it. If you come, with no room or openness in your heart, what then can fill your cup? That is the theory I have been wrestling with. If Jesus is Living Water, if Jesus wishes to fill our cup with life-giving, spirit-filled water with which to soothe our souls, what happens if our cup is already full. Already filled with our jobs and family and worries and plans.... What if we are like people in dry suits? Letting ourselves be surrounded by the grace and love of the holy water, but not being touched by it. Prevented by a layer of rubber suit, or doubt, or fear, or guilt.... It is easier, less frightening, more comfortable for us to insulate ourselves from the Holy then to chance that we might be touched or changed by it. And changed we would be. It is hard to truly open your whole self to the amazing gift of the cross and come away unchanged. Even those who have tasted the Living Water, who have met Jesus at the cross and declared him 'Saviour', might cap their cup and zip up that dry suit at times. Scripture says this: "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." John 7: 37-38

But you can be standing knee deep in that stream of living water and still die of thirst, unless you bend down, scoop up some water and drink deep. And there is where the statement, "Come Thirsty" comes in. Wherever you go, Come Thirsty. With cup empty and waiting, with your whole self bared, no barriers to the grace, forgiveness and love that water carries. When I say cup empty it is to be consistent with the imagery I have already created with you, but what I truly imagine is this:

Water is truly amazing in that it can go so many places we cannot. Small cracks grant it access, hard rock yields to it's unending current. So my cup is this gorgeous marble vessel that just keeps getting deeper as the living water softens and washes away impurities... Meaning that I Come always with an open cup, ready to receive that awesome gift.

Thus I must always Come Thirsty. Come with a thirst and yearning for the love, grace and mercy of my God. Come with a thirst for the God who loved with such passion and depth that he sent His Son, a piece of Himself, to become flesh and die on the cross for my sin. Thirst for the God who was and is and is to come.

What is it that keeps you from coming with an open cup? What is the thing/thought/habit that virtually bundles you into that dry suit? Will you lay it at the Cross? Will you surrender it to Jesus and Come Thirsty?

(Confused? Intrigued? Feel the need to discuss? Have a question? Please feel free to comment, and I would love to talk with You. Blessings, Renée)

Mighty to save

Both services I went to today sang this song. So I decided that that meant I should share it with y'all. Enjoy!!

Because the whole world should see and love this... lol

One of the channels I subscribe to on YouTube made this awesome Harry Potter version of the Google Superbowl commercial. *Imperio!* You will enjoy it!

An evening of posts

This night seems to be The Night to post something new on your blog. Both my sister and Dad have posted, so I decided to follow the trend.

I have been thinking about posting since Sunday, when I attended a church service with my friend and minister. I have not been to a service that I was not a part of in a long time, and the last time was not at a place that touched me deeply. Now I don't know that I can say how deeply I may have been touched by this service I attended. A house, turned sanctuary, sheltering people with a true love and devotion for Jesus. Nor can I clearly say if I liked the service, though I didn't NOT like it.... But I can say with certainty that two things were brought to my attention.

Thing One:

I have never been to a service or even a gathering of people who speak so clearly and fervently about Jesus. Even in our little home church.... We talk about Jesus, but not like this. A true feeling that Jesus is as important as God, and Holy Spirit... A true deepening into the sacrifice Jesus paid to give us the chance to have a relationship with God. A true conversation with other people of faith where the name Jesus has more.... Meaning... Something I had not realized was missing from my faith-life, but something I seeped into my soul greedily and joyfully. I am not sure the words that you just read make sense, or even explain clearly enough what I mean to say.... But those are the words I have...

Thing Two:

I cried. During communion. I don't even really know why. We partook of Body and Blood, sang Jesus Messiah and at the part of the chorus that says, "Blessed Redeemer, Emmanuel" the tears would well up and fall. Like I said, I really haven't a clue as to the reason, and maybe I just haven't looked closely enough to discover it, but I do know that something shifted in my heart at that moment.

During this week I have noticed something interesting. I have ended everyday relaxed with a feeling of well-being. Whether I had a day filled with awesome, moments of frustration or sadness, beautiful moments of family and love, the day ends with gratitude. Maybe this is connected. Maybe this won't last. Maybe this is the next step on this journey of faith I have embarked on. All I know is that part of me is always aware of the Love. The Love that God showers upon us through the Word made Flesh, the Way, the Truth and the Life, my dear friend, Jesus Christ.

Before, I would worry and fret at the fact that every post I make seems to end up being about God, and my faith. But it really makes a lot of sense. God is working at something in my life. I haven't quite worked out what it is yet, and maybe God (who knows me better than anyone) knows I'd freak if I had the whole picture and so lets me make the small steps, but there is definitely Something at work. So for those of you who feel like you need to know more about my mundane/worldly life, feel free to call me. But I make no promises God won't make a guest appearance in that conversation too.

The Way, the Truth, and the Life!

Hello Friends!

There is a song that has been playing on the radio lately that makes me super happy. I hear it and I just HAVE to turn up the volume (and sometime even crank up the base) and jam. It is by NewWorldSon and is called There is a Way. I think the reason that I am feeling so excited about this song is that (besides the jiving melody) it is such a great reminder! That there is a Way! And it is Jesus!

We have been talking a lot about the Father Heart of God at worship lately, and it is something that has been definitely making changes in my heart. There is something so powerful about the Love of God... Something so powerful in the knowledge that God sent His Son Jesus to earth out of Love for Us. There is something so empowering and humbling and fulfilling knowing that God yearns for us to be close to Him. Jesus was sent to earth to teach and speak of the Love of Our Father God, sent to the cross to take away our sins so that we might join our Father God in Heaven! How amazing is that Love? I don't know about you, but it is hard to feel bad about myself, hard to pick on those things that I dislike about myself when I remember that Love. The only thing that I can do is Praise. Sing out my gratefulness and love to Our Father God. And this song is that reminder. "I Promise that You won't be alone! There is a Way, the truth and the life and the way!!!"

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. - John 14:6 New Living Translation

Blessings, dear friends!

Renée

Essentials?

``...I think Mr. Darcy improves on acquaintance.''

``Indeed!'' cried Wickham with a look which did not escape her. ``And pray may I ask -- ?'' but checking himself, he added in a gayer tone, ``Is it in address that he improves? Has he deigned to add ought of civility to his ordinary style? for I dare not hope,'' he continued in a lower and more serious tone, ``that he is improved in essentials.''

``Oh, no!'' said Elizabeth. ``In essentials, I believe, he is very much what he ever was.''

"Pride and Prejudice", Jane Austen

I have been wondering lately whether someone can truly change. I guess I am not entirely sure what that means. Do you think that people, in essentials, are unchanging, but that it is in how we view, or in the information we have of them that casts their character? But when it is in your own self that you are trying to make those changes, do your essentials hold weight? Are essentials mostly moral, or do they cover self image and attitude? In pride and prejudice, at the end, Darcy explains that he was taught good morals but left to follow them in pride and conceit. And so this man we saw as cold becomes a man who on closer inspection is truly just learning a new way of talking to people and seeing the world. He is changing. But then there is the question of attitude....

There will be no argument from anyone who knows me when I state that I am a lazy person. I am not afraid of hard work, and in some (very rare) cases actually revel in it, but I do do my very best to avoid as much of it as possible. It is almost a subconscious, instinctive thing. So when I say that my husband and I are trying to eat better, and I have decided to try and lose weight you will not be surprised that I have done very little about it. My Hubby and I are doing more to eat better. We have, for a little over a month now, been avoiding pop. We no longer buy it, so it isn't even in the house to tempt us. And this last grocery shop that we did, we did together with an eye for healthier possibilities. (For example I ate FISH tonight!) I downloaded "workout" music, and have Wii fit to help get me moving. But I have only done one session on the Wii, and haven't been out to the elliptical at all. I like sitting still TOO MUCH. I like to read books and play on the computer. I haven't been into being active since.... elementary school I think. So even though Malcolm is raiding tonight, and I could have at least played Wii Fit to get some activity into the day, I played Bejeweled Blitz on my iPod Touch for like an hour, maybe more. So I guess I am wondering if being lazy is part of what is essentially Me, and if I will even stop procrastinating and move past lazy. Probably never.

P.S. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was okay. Funny. But I prefer the original. So, I have a copy to loan out if anybody wants to read it! (Zombies... although if you want to borrow the original, that is cool too)

Kingdom living/World living with Crazy Love

I really am very lucky. In view of the devastation and heartbreak happening in the world, more lucky and blessed than I ever take time to appreciate.

But what I mean is that I am lucky at the moment to be out of the flow of the World. Lucky that I would have a husband and family who would support me removing myself from the World's race for promotions and raises in order to focus on my faith journey and care for a beautiful gift of God bundled in a 2 year old package. I am removed enough from the trappings of the World to have the opportunity to shift my view, shift my way of being. There is trepidation and uncertainty in this, as my World mindset and my Kingdom heart struggle to abide together.

I have been that person who quiets their Kingdom heart to assure no offense is given or no one feel uncomfortable. Been irked by the emails that speak of Jesus and then dare me to pass them along (since 86% or whatever of people won't.) Do you, like me find that dare, that taunt, as reason enough to delete the message, unshared with contacts in your list? And do you, like me, when the email speaks so close to the heart it must be shared, specially select people in your contact list to send it to? Those people who you know will not be offended or put off by receiving it?

I have been the person afraid of following the faith journey. So studied in the ways of the World that not contributing financially to my household, not having a 5 year business plan, and not knowing what I will be doing as occupation when the sidewalk ends has been, and continues to be, a place of struggle in me.

I have been the person who feels guilty. Like Francis Chan said in "Crazy Love" (page 56/57) I have picked up somewhere along the way that I should set aside time for God, in which to pray and read the Bible. And the fact that I don't (even though I am home most of the day with that little bundle of God's gift) frustrates me, and causes me to feel guilty. Like I am being fraudulent when I speak about my faith, since I don't "do my time."

But, let's be honest with each other... God is not only in the silent moments set aside for prayer. God is not only in the moments of certainty and joy. God does not only love us when we are working hard, making good money, keeping our family comfortable. God is Everywhere. God is in Everything... actually God IS Everything. In Crazy Love Chan writes, " Over time I have realized that when we love God, we naturally run to Him-frequently and zealously. Jesus didn't command that we have a regular time with Him each day. Rather, He tells us to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." He called this the "first and greatest commandment" (Matt. 22:37-38).....This is how God longs for us to respond to His extravagant, unending love: not with a cursory "quiet time" plagued by guilt, but with true love expressed through our lives." (page 57)

And that is where I find I see the Kingdom in the World: through Love.

I have been surrounded by people who care and accept my heart and journey, regardless of their own position on the border between Kingdom and World. When these people, the moments of peace or laughter, the moments of Love are viewed as Blessings from a Loving God I cannot help but feel His presence in this place. So it is in shifting to see the Blessings. Focusing on the moments of Love. Choosing to see with Kingdom eyes that God is clearest. And in noticing and focusing on those moments we can teach ourselves to feel/see/perceive even the faintest whisper of God moving through our lives. So Love, love the Lord Our God so fervently , so passionately that we Run to Him-"frequently and zealously." Because we can be sure that any love that have for God, even when our heart is at it's biggest, doesn't begin to compare to the unyielding and never-ending love Our Father has for us. And doesn't that feel great? So focus on the Blessings and Moments. Hear the whispers of God in your everyday. And by all means, feel free to set aside time to pray and read the Bible. Just don't feel guilty if you don't.